Secrets of a Newlywed: Two Simple Truths

This is the next post in Secrets of a Newlywed, a series where I and a handful of other bloggers open up and share some of the lessons, insights and understandings—the little secrets—that have strengthened our marriages. (To read through all the posts in this series, click here.)  

Today, I am happy to share this guest post with you from one of my real-life best friends, Holly. We lived together for a year after college and did in fact throw a 1950s-housewives-themed party where we served pancakes. How's that for a best friend?! Here's what she has to say about: Two Simple Truths.

Carmen and I have been friends for a long time. She is one of the most loyal people I know, and she makes excellent pancakes. It's an absolute honor to be able to guest post here today.

Marriage is about getting used to the up's and down's, isn't it? There are seasons in which I feel I have a lot to say on the subject. Then again, there are times where I can barely hang on to my “MRS,” let alone feel accomplished enough to blog about it. Honestly, this is what I'm working through right now. They are simple truths, but they are so gosh dang hard. I hope they inspire you and help me, as well.

1.) Life is not about you.
I wrote the book on "I'm an adorable wife/girlfriend, so this should all be about me.” I can actually remember a time when my defense to one of my husband Tim's requests/suggestions/constructive criticisms was, “But...don't you still think I'm pretty....and NICE!?!?!!?”

For real.

To which he replied, “Yes. But just because you're nice doesn't mean you aren't also selfish.”

Holy cow. He's so right.

We've come a long way, Tim and I.

With that being said, I know I've been harsh. I know this is a hard one. But your marriage and your life is.not.all.about you. In fact, VERY LITTLE of it

I think some of the most important things we can do when it comes to having happy marriages is to realize that "It's not all about you." And then fess' up when we-sort-of-kind-of-do still want it to be about us, at least a little.

It amazes me sometimes, how gracious Tim is. When I fess' up to my selfishness, it gives him the opportunity to display that grace, that willingness to help, perspective.

Out of selfishness, comes compromise. Or something like that.

You're going to have to miss someone's birthday party to go see your in-laws. You're going to have to sit through countless character reviews from games like World of Warcraft, League of Legends, and The Troll Hunter's Dragon's Lair. (Ok, I made that last one up, but you know what I mean.)

The quicker we can make peace with that and surrender to this thing called marriage (that is BIGGER than ourselves), the better off we'll be.

2.) Stop getting mad over stupid stuff.
Stop getting mad about:
a.) Things that are Petty & From the Past (or T.t.a.P & F.P).
b.) Things for which he as already apologized
c.) Things that never really happened.

When I stop to think about it, this happens more in my marriage than I care to admit. And it's totally all my doing. Here are a few examples:

Tonight, I was late. I thought Tim said, “Twenty minutes.” He thought his tone said, “Now.” Holy cow. My boxing gloves, please.

That stuff is going to happen. Meh. It just is.

In the car, we had One of Those Talks. You know the ones. Basically, you find yourself in an argument in which you know you just.aren' (Even though you really want to.)

We pulled into the parking lot, and I knew, for the love of Pete, I just needed a minute. I realized this was petty. Even though it only occurred a mere 15 minutes ago, it was also in the past.

Sigh. See? I'm still learning to let go.

Still need another example?

Tim and I recently had a conversation about a couple who had shared with us their struggle to evenly divide household chores. (Been there...still doing that.) I defended my friend. He, of course, defended the husband. Then this sparked the “What would you have done...?” conversation.

(I think all wedding vows should state, “To love, honor, cherish, and avoid talking in hypotheticals as long as we both shall live.”)

Because then we bought a one-way ticket to Crazy Town.

The next thing I know, he's bent out of shape with me because I didn't clean up the kitchen before I took our imaginary/unborn kids to the park while he was at work. Now he has to come home from his pretend job to a messy, fictional kitchen.

And before I knew it, I was mad. Mad, I tell you.

He apologized for his tone. I woke up grumpy, and the next day I prayed a loud and grouchy prayer on the way to work.

And God said, “...So...let me get this straight. You are mad about something for which he has already apologized.”


“'re mad about something that didn't even know, in REAL LIFE?”



And then I realized that I am impossible to live with sometimes, and God had to iron me out, just a little. More and more, everyday, actually.

Here's to being more POSSIBLE in the future.

Love, less anger and more love,

Holly and her husband have been adventuring together as husband and wife for about 3 years.  To learn more about their adventures, dogs, and how she takes her coffee, you can visit her at  

If you are interested in sharing a lesson from your own marriage, please get in touch for details about guest-posting in this series!

Related Posts
Secrets of a Newlywed:  Let Your Husband Lead
Secrets of a Newlywed: Learning What My Husband Really Wants


  1. Love this post! A pertinent, tangible wake-up call for anyone in relationships.

  2. I'm not married, but hope to be in the future. This was insightful and absolutely hilarious!

  3. Agreed! I'm so glad Holly wrote this post and shared these, because they're lessons we ALL can relate to at some time, and hopefully chuckle over, as well :) Glad you all enjoyed the post as much as I did, too!

  4. This is beautiful!!!! On everything you wrote I was like, "Yes!! Yes! YES!!!!!" that's me too ;) Marriage is seriously the greatest learning experience I have ever had!! God definitely irons us out a little more each day! It's hot, it hurts, but oh how I need it!

  5. Thanks so much for this! I need to work on this, a lot more than my husband.

    This paragraph stuck out for me:
    You're going to have to miss someone's birthday party to go see your in-laws. You're going to have to sit through countless character reviews from games like World of Warcraft, League of Legends, and The Troll Hunter's Dragon's Lair. (Ok, I made that last one up, but you know what I mean.)

    My husband plays a game called Warhammer with his friends. Frankly, I get weirded out by all of the nerdiness, and I get annoyed when he tries to talk about it with me. If I'm going to expect him to listen to the things I'm passionate about, the same thing should be expected of me. A necessary (gentle) slap on the wrist. I appreciate it!


  6. Great post Holly! God has to straighten me out too! I truly feel I could have written this post! Why can't it be all about me?! haha jk

  7. Charissa - I love the way you put that. It does hurt, but in such a good way! I agree that marriage, more than any other thing in my life, has really helped me address some of my greatest weaknesses and struggles.

    Daryl - Aw, I'm so glad that this post was able to gently encourage your heart in that way! I know I need those kinds of nudges often, too. And I wouldn't be surprised if now that you're aware of it, the Lord will help make it easier for you to get psyched about his games, too!

    Mrs. Werginz - Ha! I think we all feel the same exact way :)

  8. @ Daryl- you are going to love this- Warhammer is actually the ONLY game my husband has ever gotten me to play. I played for a while (I had a shadow warrior named Amelie, thank you very much). Hahaha...but then I got bored and quit. I have to listen to A LOT of guitar-talk, too. I notice that a simple nod of the head and a "that's cool." Goes a long way.

    To everyone else- thanks for all the sweet comments. This is a really busy season of my life (I'm a teacher), so your kind words were really encouraging! Carmen- thanks for having me!

  9. @ Holly, So funny! He's tried to get me to play it a couple of times but I have yet to be convinced. Because of this post I'm realizing I need to be more supportive, even if it's only for his somewhat nerdy hobbies. Maybe I'll sit down for a game after all! Thanks Holly!

    <3 Daryl

  10. Man... I'm not in any sort of romantic relationship, and I still saw myself in that. Great post!


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