The Windows are Open and I'm Waxing Nostalgic

Summer is here in the South. Our windows are open and the sweet sounds of birds chirping (and garbage trucks barreling by) prance inside. As I sit here at my computer, there's a gentle breeze at my back, while I relish this annual milestone of letting the outdoors in.

Fortunately, our new little home is surrounded by large trees that work to keep our little apartment cooler than you'd expect. When we moved in, the branches were bare and I didn't really believe my landlord when she told us that the entire yard would soon be coated in shade.

Yet, just three months later, here we are. When I first planted my container garden, the leaves were still unfurling and the backyard was filled with light. Now the leaves have grown in so much that it has become a dance of scooting and twirling the containers so that they can bask in the sunny spots that are ever-changing.

I asked my husband the other day, "Does it feel like we've been living here a long time, yet?" Because sometimes, it feels like we've been living here for what seems like forever and at other times—like when I fight to find the light switches, groping for the places they were in our old apartment—it seems like it hasn't been that long at all.

When I think back on all the places I've lived, from Cincinnati to Athens to Birmingham to Grand Rapids to Atlanta, there are aspects that still feel like they happened yesterday: Walking along the cobblestone streets of Athens to meet my best friends for a picnic on the green. Fighting giant cockroaches and grasshoppers with my roommate in Birmingham. Driving to the beach on Lake Michigan. Packing up a huge moving truck and making the two-day journey southbound, with my husband of one month and a future unknown.

And yet then I think about how much has changed, and this thing called life astounds me at how it seems to move so quickly and yet so still at the same time. Somehow, it is both at the very same time. Isn't life such a mystery?

Like the leaves that take shape and the breeze that whispers through my window, today slips by so slowly it is almost unnoticed, with its promises of all that may be. And yet, it changes everything.

Here is to today...

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Seeds, Soils and Rejoicing in Slow Growth

It was about a month ago that I decided to try my hand at planting seeds. I haven't had much luck growing anything from seed, but I decided, once again, that maybe this time might be different. A month later, and I see little growth in my little cilantro seedlings. I don't know if they will sprout or not, but this exercise is teaching me something in patience and letting nature do its work.

Growth takes time. Roots must grow before the leaves can show and I can celebrate that the experiment is working. It's a vital time where too much well-intentioned watering can kill the seed before it even had a chance to flourish in the soil. We must be patient to let the seed settle in and not expect it to sprout up overnight, lush with stalk and leaf and ripe fruit. We must allow time to tend the process.

This was one of the things that was such an encouragement to me early in my faith, when I found myself upset or discouraged about how long this process of sanctification was taking, though I didn't even know that was the word for it at the time.

I remember wishing I could have it together already, know the Bible already, hear the Holy Spirit crystal-clear already. What was taking so long?!

And then I read the parable of the soils:

"A farmer went out to plant his seed. While he was planting, some seed fell by the road. People walked on the seed, and the birds ate it up. Some seed fell on rock, and when it began to grow, it died because it had no water. Some seed fell among thorny weeds, but the weeds grew up with it and choked the good plants. And some seed fell on good ground and grew and made a hundred times more.


.... "This is what the story means: The seed is God's message. The seed that fell beside the road is like the people who hear God's teaching, but the devil comes and takes it away from them so they cannot believe it and be saved. The seed that fell on rock is like those who hear God's teaching and accept it gladly, but they don't allow the teaching to go deep into their lives. They believe for a while, but when trouble comes, they give up. The seed that fell among the thorny weeds is like those who hear God's teaching, but they let the worries, riches, and pleasures of this life keep them from growing and producing good fruit. And the seed that fell on the good ground is like those who hear God's teaching with good, honest hearts and obey it and patiently produce good fruit." (Luke 8:5-15)

As I read that, I realized that it takes time for the seed to sprout and grow. It can not spring up too quickly or it will not have root—like those where the seed fell onto rock. But if we are rooted, then when the rains and rays and wrath of nature beats against us, we can withstand it and hold fast to our budding faith.

The Lord reveals one thing at a time to us. He walks us through it, instead of pushing us to a break-neck speed. And because we've moved through it slowly and completely, eyes-wide-open and able to savor it more fully, the depth of growth is that much more. We may not realize it from the looks of it above ground, where the leaves are spindly and branches limp, but below ground—where the growth matters—the roots are digging deeper and grasping hard to the spiritual sod that God has lovingly laid down.

As I mulled over this little gardening metaphor, the reality of it hit me more fully: Slow growth is often for our own good! This was an epiphany of epic proportions for me at a time, and one that I held fast to when perfectionism threatened to hurl insults and accusations at me.
 
And now, a few years later, I still look back at this insight—truly a gift from the Holy Spirit—with marvel. It touched my heart then, and it still does today, as it reminds me to breathe deeply, embrace these moments, these lessons, this blessings—these blessons—and keep sowing, digging and growing with patience.

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Your Questions Answered: Encouragement for the Season of Waiting to Find Your Spouse (Part 2)

QUESTION: If there are any books or passages of scripture you recommend that truly spoke to you during your season of waiting [to meet your husband], definitely let me know.

Yesterday, I shared some of the specific resources that I found helpful during my time of waiting. Today, I decided to take a look back into my old journals and share, in my own words, what really was encouraging me during this period of waiting. What was strengthening my heart and my hope in the Lord’s timing?

While flipping through my journal entries, I came across this prayer that I'd written during the early months of 2008:

I’m feeling emboldened in my quest for the ultimate human love (toward a husband)–not that there are any nearby or possible prospects, but that I believe that marriage is something You want for me and that is in my cards.

So right now I’m preparing.

I’m learning more and more what to look for in a husband, and praying for it. I’m trying to learn to treat others in a way that will allow me to be a better wife/mother (nonjudgmental, more encouraging, listening, prodding more questions to spur contemplation, generosity with time, etc). I’m trying to practice my nurturing spirit now, as I volunteer with the youth group and learn to guide the young women without demands or directives, but through suggestion and spiritual challenges.

And I believe that You will act and that You will bless and that You will guide. And that’s what satisfies me right now, that’s what keeps me joyful and looking up and forward.

This idea crept up again and again in my entries: to see my time as a single woman as an opportunity for investment rather than a chain around my neck. I began to realize that God had given me this time alone for a reason. Perhaps it’s because I’m not yet ready to meet the godly man he has in mind? Perhaps he would like me to work on some things now that will only benefit our relationship later? Later, I copied a quote from an online article I read that spoke to this, saying: “But if I am not happy now, if I am not content in my present situation, will a new career or a relationship really change anything for me at a heart level?”

I also was encouraged during this time by the expectation that God will come through on his promises. That I can give him what I have in my hands and he will multiply and bless it. This is incredibly evident in the story of Abraham and Isaac when Abraham trusts that God will provide an alternate sacrifice, even though he's already been commanded to sacrifice Isaac. God will provide, and we must learn to trust him, even when the odds look impossible! That is when he gets the greatest glory, because only he can overcome the impossible! So perhaps when things look impossible, we must stop thinking that they really are that way but learn to trust that this is an opportunity for us to watch the Lord work his wonders.

Later in my journal, from April 24, 2008, I found this prophetic nugget: “also, as far as my future goes, i really do feel like God has it under control and feel comfortable that i’ll be at that “married” point in 2 years, that perhaps this summer he will bring that certain someone into my life and set us up for a future. i see this happening as i prepare to move–that maybe if i end up in grand rapids, that’s where that will fall into place and stand as a moment that validates those decisions. something (whether it’s peace from God or my own brand of wishful thinking) tells me that that’s on the horizon and that I don’t need to fret. i like that kind of comfort and trust. i still fidget in my seat waiting for it to come to pass, but i feel it approaching. i just hope that when it does, that i can weather and balance it well.”

Discovering these words just blew my mind because this was exactly how my marriage transpired: Later that summer I did meet my husband (not until the end of June, though) and we started dating just as I was moving off to Grand Rapids. The following summer (less than two years later), we were married. This is proof that the Lord does speak! The Lord is good and does not lead us astray! Listen to what he is whispering to your heart!

What Other Questions Do You Have For Me?

Recently, I invited you to ask me any questions you might have that I could answer in upcoming posts, whether it's follow-up regarding anything I've written about in the past, curiosities regarding any of my personal experiences, or your general blogging questions. In the following weeks I will continue to respond to your questions, so please feel free to ask any that come to mind in the comments below or send me an email. 

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Your Questions Answered: Encouragement for the Season of Waiting to Find Your Spouse (Part 1)

QUESTION: If there are any books or passages of scripture you recommend that truly spoke to you during your season of waiting [to meet your husband], definitely let me know.

Waiting is one of the most difficult lessons in life, especially when it involves something that is incredibly near and dear to your heart, as finding a loving spouse is for so many women. I know the fears and frustrations that come along with it all too well.

So I'm going to address this question in two parts. Today, I'm going to list out some of the specific resources that I sought during my season of waiting. Tomorrow, I'm going to look back into some of my journal entries from that period and share them with you to give an upclose look at how I was encouraged.

In my experience, there was a huge variety of things that swirled together to do those things—a Scripture here, an article here, a wise word there. Slowly, slowly those things all worked together to give me the confidence to wait on the Lord in this area and trust him to deliver my heart to someone who might treasure it—and to forgo the others who wouldn’t.

I’ve mentioned before that one of the most encouraging books I read during this time (and trust me, I read many others, but none were as impactful as this) was Get Married by Candice Watters. (I shared some of my notes here as well as some bullet-point notes on my old blog.)

One of her main encouragements is to be bold in praying for a godly husband. I remember that much of the Scripture that I feasted on during this period of time was in regards to God encouraging us to ask him. I went through the Bible and marked each passage I could find where we’re told to Ask and ye shall receive with a big, inky question mark. This might seem disjointed from the pursuit of waiting for marriage, but for me, it was nourishing to know that God compelled me to ask for his gifts, of which marriage is one. This heartened my time of waiting and made it one of expectation rather than discouragement.

I also found solace in Tara Leigh Cobble's memoir, Here's to Hindsight, because here was a godly woman who also experienced heartache in regards to dating. In those moments when it's easy to feel like the whole world is against you, it's a good reminder that there are others who know what you're feeling and are journeying down this same frustrating path, as well.

Other resources that gave me special encouragement during this time of preparation also included podcasts and articles from Boundless.org, which often included godly wisdom regarding dating. Those really grounded my search and expectations and behavior toward dating, in a way that I don’t believe much else of contemporary Christian culture does. They really set the bar high and challenged me to realign what dating was going to look like in my life—and, most importantly, what it wasn’t.

Finally, I also was incredibly encouraged by other Christian couples I knew who were the real deal. I’m talking about the couples who really loved the Lord together and were a light. That inspired me and rather than stoked envy, because I saw with my own two eyes that it was really possible for two people to come together and use marriage as a tool to bring glory to God. This desire in my heart could really happen!

Tomorrow, I'll share some thoughts and insights from my journal entries during my time in waiting...

What Other Questions Do You Have For Me?

Recently, I invited you to ask me any questions you might have that I could answer in upcoming posts, whether it's follow-up regarding anything I've written about in the past, curiosities regarding any of my personal experiences, or your general blogging questions. In the following weeks I will continue to respond to your questions, so please feel free to ask any that come to mind in the comments below or send me an email. 

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A Testimony to God's Perfect Timing

It's been over a year since I started this humble blog of mine. And for the past year, I've been chronicling our search for stable employment. And I've been able to chronicle how, though we've been in limbo for more than a year regarding this situation, the Lord has never failed to provide for us. We have never had to dip into our savings to pay for rent or groceries. We have never not had a paycheck coming in, even when we'd been told that the job should have ended months ago.

God has been faithful.

And as we know, his faithfulness endures forever. So it is that I am thrilled to share the news with you all that what has been a year in the making is now coming to fruition after lesson upon lesson of patience and trust: My husband was officially offered a full-time, career job last week!

What's more, as it turns out, his first day will be Monday, November 29. Would you be surprised to know that this could not be any more perfect timing? The last day of my freelance gig is that Friday, December 3! Praise the Lord!!

And that's why it's so incredible to be able to page back through these posts that document the ups and downs of this journey: From just weeks after I quit my job to move to Atlanta and yet I found myself with a temporary freelance job that would support us, but was set to expire at the end of the year. My prayer requests for jobs and an awareness to continue to ask and ask and ask regarding this situation—even when it takes more than year's worth of asking. My struggle learning to embrace this unknown state and finding encouragement in the Psalms to press on.

There were the updates when there was nothing really to share and then when I found out my temporary job was officially coming to an end. And sharing the news when I didn't get the job and when I did (and had to turn it down).

It's through all these snippets of the hopes and fears and frustrations that took place along the way that we can see so clearly how far God has brought us and how he's sustained and nourished us along the way. Which keeps me saying, Praise the Lord!!

Of course I'm still looking for a job, but this latest provision makes the search much less of a burden and provides me a bit more time to look for something that fits. But even more, this reminds me that I really don't have anything to worry about, and that everything will work out, according to God's perfect timing.

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

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Unexpected insights from a boring Old Testament list

While I love making my own lists, I don't have much interest in reading them, other than to cross them off with a big swash of ink. You don't have to read through the Bible very long before you stumble upon some sort of list, whether it's a 'so-and-so beget so-and-so" genealogy or a list of do-and-don't laws.

I was reading through the Old Testament book of Numbers and reached a list that detailed a bunch of Middle Eastern places where the Israelites journeyed after they left Egypt on their way to the promised land, West of the Jordan River. As I was reading, I found myself start skimming, murmuring to myself, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. They moved a lot of places. Let's skip ahead to the good stuff."

Which made me wonder: Why did God include this laundry list of locations? Why is this important? Obviously it must be, to make it in the Holy Word, so what might that be? Over and over again they moved around on this journey to their home. Perhaps this is a bird's eye view of all our lives: God is moving us from point a to b to c to d to e...

And then I noticed that as Moses listed each location, occasionally he'd offer a short description like this place was a desert, this one was without any water or it was an oasis with "12 springs and 70 palm trees." This list goes from Numbers 33:5-37, so about 32 moves. Of these, there are 4 deserts they journey through, one noted place where "there was no water for the people to drink," a sea they journey through and one oasis that they reach after making their way out of the wilderness. Most of the time, though, the places were pretty ordinary with little to say about them.

Does this sound like our lives? A few notable peaks and valleys, and a lot of seemingly unmentionable stuff in the middle? And yet, God mentions it. Verse 2 says, "At the LORD's command Moses wrote down the places where they went as they traveled. This is the list." He watched and recorded it all. And because God is the same as he ever was, he continues to watch it and record it all in our journeys even now. Every blip on the map matters to him and take us to where we're going: The promised land.

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Embracing Seasons of Anonymity in Our Lives

These are the days that no one sees… goes part of a Paul Westerberg song. …they run together for company.

I think it’s safe to say that for most of us, we struggle with feeling like we’re not achieving what we should, we’re not making a difference, we’re not living up to our potential, and we can easily get discouraged by it all.

A couple years ago I read a book called Anonymous, which talks about this sense of “anonymity” we often feel. The author, Alicia Britt Chole, looks at it a different way, though, seeing these seasons of our lives as an opportunity from God to prepare us for our seasons of action, of affecting the world.

One of the analogies she uses is of trees and how the different seasons affect them: During the summer, their leaves are full and coat the limbs, but when winter comes, the leaves fall off and all that is left is the tree’s infrastructure. So it is with us: What the plenty of summer hides, the nakedness of winter reveals. When the winters of our life hit, we are stripped down to bear the strength of our infrastructure–our character.

But we must take time to grow and build up to be able to withstand those winters. It’s these seasons of anonymity, when we go unseen and seem unnoticeable, that protect us and prepare us so that we have time to create and forge that infrastructure. Then, when we undergo the winters of our life, our underlying strength will be strong enough to shine through and sustain us.

Chole writes in the book, “Anonymous seasons are sacred spaces, they are formative and to be rested in, not rushed through–and never regretted.” And, “We can easily mistake fruitlessness for failure. We naturally grant more weight to the visible than the invisible, so it’s easy for us to underestimate its vital importance. We must not think unseen = unimportant.”

This will be for the LORD’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed.
Isaiah 55:13

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Learning to Plant In Spite of Stormy Weather

photo by h.koppdelaney 

“Those who wait for perfect weather will never plant seeds;
those who look at every cloud will never harvest crops.” — Ecclesiastes 11:4

I love the wisdom in this verse–and its call to step out in faith. Just because things aren’t perfect, doesn’t mean we should not act. God may not open that door for us now, but by the time we get right up to it, if it’s His will, we must have faith that he will.

This verse speaks volumes to me, time and time again, season after season. The first time I read it and journaled about it was just as I was starting my new life in Grand Rapids, a time when my world was feeling both exciting but also ever so topsy-turvy. So this revelation, not to let worries or “not-so-great circumstances” hold me back from sowing and trust God for the reaping, was so of-the-moment. It was also early into my relationship with Michael, and we’d been doing the long-distance thing for over a month. In so many ways I looked at my life and the encumbrances that seemed to loom all around me and this verse caused me to whisper over and over again: “Keep sowing. Keep trusting. Persevere.”

And here I am, more than a year later. Though this verse takes on different meanings now (including a job and what our future will look like, locale-wise, children-wise, etc.), the point of it never seems to grow old for me. I still don’t know what the future holds, and I’m trying to learn to let go of that desire. I went for a walk today and that was the thought pervading me: “I don’t care what happens next. I don’t want to rush God with this. I’m OK with whatever he’s got up his sleeve.” Because I know Him, and I know that whatever he’s having me wait for is totally going to be worth it. There is going to be a harvest!

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What It Looks Like When We Take Things Into Our Own Hands: A Story About Two Brothers

original illustration by art.crazed

Once upon a time, there were two brothers, Jacob and Esau. Essentially, Jacob was a jerk who cheated his brother out of everything. Jacob ended up with all the wealth and all the blessing, with nothing left for his big brother. And they (well, Jacob, anyway) lived happily ever after.

Am I the only one who reads this story and goes, "HUH?!" It has always ticked me off to read about how Jacob did all these mean things to his brother (though Esau definitely played a part when it came to paying for his stew) and still ended up getting rewarded by God in the end. How is that fair? I thought cheaters weren't supposed to prosper? It just didn't sit well with me at all.

Recently, I read that story again and still couldn't shake those feelings and questions about why God would reward such deceit. So I decided to do a little investigation...and finally got some answers to these questions that wrestled with my conscience.

In this story of Jacob stealing his brother's inheritance and blessing, I read in my study bible about how God had already promised that Jacob would rule over Esau, even though he was the younger brother. Yet, God's promise didn't seem enough; Jacob and his mother Rebekah decided to take matters to into their own hands and make it happen now. They used trickery and bribery to usher in something God had already promised them, rather than wait on his perfect timing!

Isn't this what we see time and time again, in the Bible and in our own lives? Abraham and Sarah are promised a baby but when she doesn't become pregnant, she has him sleep with her maidservant. God tells us he'll provide for us, but we spend time worrying and fretting about finances and accumulating wealth.

And look at the pain that it caused. The commentary in my study bible points out: Although Jacob got the blessing he wanted, his deceptions cost him dearly. He never saw his mother again. His brother wanted to kill him. His family became torn by strife. Esau became the founder of an enemy nation. He was on the receiving end of deception when he wanted to marry Rachel.

While God still used Jacob's deceptions to fulfill the purpose he'd already established, we have to believe that this was not the plan God had in mind. And had Jacob waited for God to bring it about, we can only imagine how different his life--and perhaps even the world--might have turned out!

Realizing all this has really opened my eyes to making me aware of not trying to force God's hand in my life, but to wait on him to bring about the things he has promised. (Specifically, things like the right job!)

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