The Truth About Conflict in Relationships

 

It seems like people are always vying to get rid of conflict in marriage. I know I, for one, would love to be done with it and live happily ever after.

Here's an interesting vantage point on that though, that has been stomach-punching food for thought for me lately: That conflict is good for a marriage. Wha?!

Of course there's a caveat...conflict is good when it's done right. Like I've mentioned already, I've been reading up on relationships quite a bit lately, now that Michael and I are a year into our wedded bliss. And I've read some interesting insights and statistics on the subject:

Why Conflict is Healthy for a Marriage
"Marriage researcher John Gottman has a fascinating theory about conflict," Tara Parker-Pope writes in For Better, a book I recently reviewed that shows what research and scientific study has to say about what makes marriages work best. "He believes a certain amount of conflict is necessary to help couples 'weed out' problems that can harm a marriage in the long run. In his own research, he discovered that the 'temporary misery' of conflict can be healthier long-term for a marriage. He checked in with couples early in their relationship, finding that peaceful couples reported more marital happiness than couples who bickered. But three years later the peaceful couples were far more likely to be headed for divorce or already divorced. The bickering couples, meanwhile, had worked out the kinks in their relationships and were more likely to be in stable relationships."

Healthy Ways to Deal with Conflict
It's not how often or what you fight about, even that matters, Parker-Pope has found according to research. It's how you fight about it that is going to bolster or burn your relationship. In fact, the first three minutes of a conflict are the most pivotal because it's here that the stage is set. Will the argument start out respectfully and gently, or harsh and full of criticism?

Couples must learn to present their problems in terms of complaints vs. criticism from the outset of the argument. Such as, "I was upset last night when I came home and the dishes were in the sink and the floor wasn't swept," vs. "Why can't you do the dishes and clean up after the kids?" Criticism places blame and can lean towards contempt, which is hugely debilitating to marriage. (Studies have also found that eye-rolling is the single most important facial expression and is "a powerful predictor that your relationship is in serious trouble," because it, too, belies contempt.)

Conflict Won’t Disappear Any Time Soon
Parker-Pope also noted that, according to studies, the conflicts that arise between couples are never resolved 70% of the time. "In one study, couples who were tracked for a decade were still fighting about the same things they had been arguing about ten years earlier."

So it makes sense that I should be reading about conflict and how to best wield it, since it's likely that it'll never fully disappear. No matter how much I wish it would!

(Find For Better by Tara Parker-Pope on Amazon.com)

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