A Letter to Myself / GUEST POST

A GUEST POST BY MELISSA OF GRACEFULLY FALLING DOWN

Dear Me,

This blinking cursor is staring me down something fierce. I wanted to begin with something heartfelt and touching, but it looks like instead we'll have to start with some honesty.

I haven't loved you very well. If I had made vows to you as I did my husband, I would certainly feel as though I was not honoring them.

Ok, fine, let's just spell it out. I haven't honored you.

I have believed lies about you. Some lies were told to me by others, but most were whispered into my ear in the moments I am most vulnerable. The moments we are most vulnerable. When our familiar guest Condemnation brings his good friend Shame, and they both bring so much luggage that it simply overwhelms the tiny space we're in. No windows are open, and the air is hot and thick with their words. It's hard to take a deep breath let alone speak aloud disagreement with what they are saying:

You're not thin enough.

Not pretty enough.

Your hair is boring.

Your thighs are large.

You're not good enough.

You fail at being a good friend, daughter, sister, wife.

You don't call enough, do enough, pray for them enough.

You screw up all the time.

If everyone isn't 100% happy all the time, it is probably your fault.

You let people down all the time.
* * *
Oh, how sorry I am that I have not only believed these lies, but repeated them to you over and over.

Please don't give up on me. I am learning now what it means to love and be loved, and that the One who created us is able to open all the windows in the room and let the fresh air in. I am learning how to tell our unwanted guests to take a hike, and how to rebuke the lies they tell.

I'm so sorry for the damage I have done.

For cursing you instead of seeing the gift you are

For wishing you looked and acted differently

For making you feel so defensive and on guard, unable to believe the beautiful truths about yourself.

I'm sorry I compared you to so many others instead of seeing who's image you were made in.

* * *
I hope you can forgive me, because I really truly do love you. And I'm so proud of the progress you have made:

You wore shorts this summer, for the first time in ten years!

You went back to your natural hair color (and love it).

You've made real strides in not measuring and weighing your food, and not counting calories at every meal.

You believe your husband when he tells you that you are beautiful.

Because you are.

There are no songs as beautiful as the music that fills my soul when I hear your voice, especially when it is comforting and counseling others.

Your hands, which are calloused from the work of days gone by, are still so soft to the touch. They hold other hands, lay on shoulders in prayer, and make gifts and food for those in need of blessing.

Your eyes are indeed a beautiful color, and they sparkle with tears of both joy and sorrow. Your emotion is what makes you you, and it is beautiful.

Your body is exactly what your Creator had in mind. Honor it, yes, but do not spend your life wishing it was something different.

Your heart is bright even in a dark room. And even when you do nothing for anyone else, you shine. All on your own. You don't have to do anything for me to love you—I just do.

I'm sorry I haven't been very good at loving you, but thanks for sticking out the harder times. I can't promise there won't be more to come, but I can promise you that we are better protected now.

I love you so much.

Melissa is a twentysomethin recently married gal that among other things enjoys the chilly air and gorgeous leaves of autumn, delicious food, tattoos, and the satisfaction of cleaning something really dirty. (A bit of a nut!) She has a heart for women to know their worth in Christ, and a passion for all marriages to not only succeed, but be exceptional. She blogs at Gracefully Falling Down.

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