Perfectionism and Picking out a Washing Machine

There are some decisions I can make quite easily, things like which watermelon to buy or whether to wear my blue suede flats or my mint green peep-toes.

But there are other decisions that cause my stomach to twist into knots and attempt to dive down to my toes. You'd think that I was about to give a speech to a thousand people or at least go in for a job interview, something that really is momentous.

In actuality, I was going shopping for a washing machine.

There's something about making a purchase that costs more than a day's work that paralyzes me. Especially when I don't know anything about it and have no clue what the "best" product is to select.

So for two days I researched and worried, comparing reviews online, visiting stores and taking notes on all their models, unable to decide between this model or that model for fear of choosing the wrong one. Essentially, obsessing over this purchase.

Finally and uneasily, I made the decision, though the knot in my stomach didn't give way until a few hours later when I finally had some time to process everything. And I realized that there's no perfect washing machine. Some may break in a year, others may break in ten years. But all of them are going to break.

Even more than that, I can't make a perfect decision. Even with the wisest counsel, tons of back issues of Consumer Reports, and all the Amazon reviews in the world.

Our new washing machine got installed this morning. Even with one load already in the dryer and all signs looking good, I'm still a little apprehensive that it's going to break down any moment now or shred our clothes like a block of cheese.

But in spite of all that, I'm reminding myself that I'm not perfect. The machine isn't perfect. But God is.

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The Mercy of Second Chances

When I lived in Grand Rapids I went to a boiler room a couple of times that was near my neighborhood. According to another website, "Boiler Rooms are engine rooms driving God’s purposes forward. The Boiler Room is a youth initiative seeking to establish a praying community." There are boiler rooms throughout the country and world, where groups of people come together to commune with God and seek him intimately and worship him and serve him.

To me, that is a beautiful picture. It makes my heart say 'yes,' to be there, to be a part of that.

Yet, I only went to this boiler room a couple of times the whole almost-year I lived there. No more than 5 times I'm sure. What was it that held me back? I know it to be fear. Fear of feeling left out. Fear of being the stranger. Fear of not being "Christian enough." Fear of not loving the poor enough. Fear of not loving the Lord enough.

I was intimidated and let that intimidation run me away from this radical community. I still subscribe to their blog and love to read about the inspiring ways they are rocking that community and reaching out and being the hands and feet of Jesus. And yet, I turned my back on that opportunity.

Still, the Lord is a redeemer. He redeemed through Jesus once and for all, and he continues to redeem us everyday.

So it was the case for me.

After living in Grand Rapids for a couple of months, I noticed a little blurb in our church bulletin for a prayer group that met on Wednesday nights. Somehow, one crisp November night, I got up the courage to go and check this option out. I found my way to the room and was by far the youngest person in the small crowd. And yet there was something reassuring about that; it felt safe to my scared and worried little heart.

So I came back, week after week. My soul thirsted for that community of prayer and my faith was watered, seeing other people healed (inside and out), and finding healing and joy and providential answers in my own life. I learned so much from this community.

It was my second chance and it was what I needed. I'll never know whether the boiler room would have provided the same sort of support or resting grounds for me. But that doesn't really matter, does it? What matters is that God still met me where I was, lonely and in need, and provided for me. Even when I gave up in fear, he did not relent. That is mercy and grace.

I know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end
he will stand upon the earth.
Job 19:25

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