Secrets of a Newlywed: You Did Not Marry Brad Pitt

This is the debut post in Secrets of a Newlywed, a new series where I share some of the lessons, insights and understandings that have strengthened my marriage and made it the wedded bliss that it is. (To read through all the posts in this series, click here.) Like anything else, they are easier said than done. But I know from personal experience that when I do manage to live them out, I've seen what beautiful fruit they bear in my relationship with my husband. So, today, I share the first with you: You Did Not Marry Brad Pitt

“He’s not Brad Pitt.” It was a premarital seminar that my husband (then, only fiancé) and I were taking, and the woman was standing at the front of a large conference room, and telling us that, in fact, we were not marrying Brad Pitt.

Thankyouverymuch. I think I’ll take my money back now, right?

“He’s not Brad Pitt,” she repeated. “He doesn’t have a script.”

In the movies, Brad Pitt knows exactly what to say and what to do simply because it’s written into the script. He knows when to buy his leading lady flowers or when to take her dancing under the stars or when to just remain silent only because he’s memorized his lines.

Our husbands, on the other hand, do not have a script to read from to know exactly what to do that will sweep us off our feet or exactly what to say that will melt our hearts into the carpet below. Instead, they fumble along, trying to guess about what will work.

All they can do is guess…unless we decide to give them the script.

This was the point that the woman at the seminar was trying to hammer into our heads: Our husbands cannot read our minds to know what we want them to do or say, unless we tell them. That is how they get their scripts and start playing the role of Mr. Charming that we’ve cast them in.

It’s a truth that is so simple we might be prone to scoff at it. But in the earliest days of marriage, I caught myself expecting my husband to do or say something (or, alternatively, not do or not say something). And I had to consciously tell myself, “Give him the script.”

This was especially difficult for me, who desires to steer clear from conflict of any sort—even the healthy kind. But when the kitchen turned into a frenzy and I was having to jump between one pot boiling, checking on the potatoes in the oven, and defrosting some bread for dinner, I was feeling overwhelmed as it was. Then my husband came in, sat down at the table, and wanted to crack jokes with me.

There are times when making dinner just makes you harried. And that is when my sense of humor flies out the window. It’s in these moments, when I can feel frustration start to seize up inside myself, that I have to tell my husband what I need him to do. Sometimes, it’s telling him, that right now is not a good time to talk. Sometimes, it’s asking him to lend a hand and put the butter on the table.

The funny thing is, that when I tell him what I need, he doesn’t scoff or get insulted. He simply complies. Even though he can’t read my mind, when I tell him what I need (before I let the emotions get in the way), he is happy to pitch in where I need him.

And doesn’t that speak volumes more about how much he loves me than if he could read my mind? When I ask for something and he follows through to provide it, the situation is transformed into an act of selflessness and service, providing yet another glimpse into how much this man loves me.

No, he is not Brad Pitt. But I like it that way.

Related Posts
How My Husband and I Met Two Years Ago Today
The Truth About Conflict in Marriage


  1. Oh I like this series already! I could probably write a post or two for you! LOL

  2. This is a great post, and something I often have to remind myself of. Because, to be honest, sometimes I'm just wondering how my husband can NOT get it, haha. But really lots of men don't "do" signs the way women do - they often aren't as intuitive about those sorts of things (though certainly not always). My husband can be a bit sensitive and I'm often pretty blunt so it's not as easy for us as it might be for other couples. I have to monitor HOW I say things, because sometimes they come out in a tone that hurts his feelings -- especially if I'm frustrated or busy.

  3. That is such a cool "motto" to remember. To be honest because men can't read our minds. Thanks for sharing this, it's great advice. Can't wait to read the rest!

  4. Thanks ladies, I'm glad you're enjoying the series already! I am looking forward to sharing more... And if any of your are interested in writing posts, get in touch with me. I'd love to include some guest posts!

  5. I just found your blog and L-O-V-E this post. So simple, yet so true. I too have to remind myself of this motto with my fiance. But I like the way you worded it. I guess this means he's not Ryan Gosling either? haha Sorry..I just blogged something about him and had to throw that out there! Thanks again--I'm your newest follower! :)

  6. Thank you for posting this and for making it into series. Sometimes I feel I'm the only one going through challenges in my marriage like I have an abnormal relationship but we're pretty much like every other couple out there. phew! You have no idea how relieved I felt when I found that out.

    Looking forward to your next post! :)

  7. @ Joanne - Ah, thanks so much for your comment. I am so glad to hear that my little series is resonating with people already! I really believe that we (especially as Christians) should not shy away from sharing and celebrating these kinds of lessons, especially when they can serve to help so many others. That's kind of what the basis of my whole blog is about in the first place, although there are a lot of random things thrown in, too :)

  8. I'm loving this series, Carmen! Such true words... communication is so vital to relationships. I'm not one to normally voice my needs, so it's something I'm having to work on, even in the day-to-day type situations. Anyway, looking forward to the rest of this series! I love reading your wisdom on these things. :)

  9. Hey very nice blog!! Man .. Beautiful .. Amazing .. I will bookmark your blog and take the feeds also...

    Ecstatic Café


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