God is At Work Here

One of my prayers of late has been that God would redeem those first months of Claire's life for me. The months when everything felt hard and awful and miserable. That he would take them and make motherhood something of beauty to me. Make it shine and glimmer and glisten like I never imagined.

It's not that I haven't loved Claire—it's insane how much I love her. But I struggle to love the sacrifice and giving up and giving away that is motherhood, which pretty much defined those early months of life. Things today are so much better, but I'm still healing from that season. There are still wounds that are tender to the touch. And so, my prayer persists.

At our new church, we just started up a women's Bible study and in my small group, I shared this prayer request of mine. The thing is, I know that God wants to do this for me. He has whispered to my heart that he wants to redeem that season, that he wants to show me how beautiful motherhood can be, the blessing that it is. And so I ask for this prayer because I know he wants to give it to me, I know he will. So I asked that prayer expectantly, knowingly.

And so it happened that after praying this prayer for weeks now and sharing it with my new friends-in-faith, I felt my eyes opening. I felt a sense of awe for this daughter of mine step in like never before. I have always been in love with her and proud of her and had fun with her. But there's been a novelty in it of late.

An awe of the little things, the moments when I hold her close in the middle of the night after she's woken to eat. Just holding her heavy little body close, and walking her back to her crib, her head nestled in my arm, breathing softly and without a care against me.

I am finally learning to savor these moments, to savor this season. Hallelujah. Truly, God is at work here.

I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
- Psalm 27:13
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