Secrets of a Newlywed: Two Simple Truths

This is the next post in Secrets of a Newlywed, a series where I and a handful of other bloggers open up and share some of the lessons, insights and understandings—the little secrets—that have strengthened our marriages. (To read through all the posts in this series, click here.)  

Today, I am happy to share this guest post with you from one of my real-life best friends, Holly. We lived together for a year after college and did in fact throw a 1950s-housewives-themed party where we served pancakes. How's that for a best friend?! Here's what she has to say about: Two Simple Truths.

Carmen and I have been friends for a long time. She is one of the most loyal people I know, and she makes excellent pancakes. It's an absolute honor to be able to guest post here today.

Marriage is about getting used to the up's and down's, isn't it? There are seasons in which I feel I have a lot to say on the subject. Then again, there are times where I can barely hang on to my “MRS,” let alone feel accomplished enough to blog about it. Honestly, this is what I'm working through right now. They are simple truths, but they are so gosh dang hard. I hope they inspire you and help me, as well.

1.) Life is not about you.
I wrote the book on "I'm an adorable wife/girlfriend, so this should all be about me.” I can actually remember a time when my defense to one of my husband Tim's requests/suggestions/constructive criticisms was, “But...don't you still think I'm pretty....and NICE!?!?!!?”

For real.

To which he replied, “Yes. But just because you're nice doesn't mean you aren't also selfish.”

Holy cow. He's so right.

We've come a long way, Tim and I.

With that being said, I know I've been harsh. I know this is a hard one. But your marriage and your life is.not.all.about you. In fact, VERY LITTLE of it is.all.about.you.

I think some of the most important things we can do when it comes to having happy marriages is to realize that "It's not all about you." And then fess' up when we-sort-of-kind-of-do still want it to be about us, at least a little.

It amazes me sometimes, how gracious Tim is. When I fess' up to my selfishness, it gives him the opportunity to display that grace, that willingness to help, perspective.

Out of selfishness, comes compromise. Or something like that.

You're going to have to miss someone's birthday party to go see your in-laws. You're going to have to sit through countless character reviews from games like World of Warcraft, League of Legends, and The Troll Hunter's Dragon's Lair. (Ok, I made that last one up, but you know what I mean.)

The quicker we can make peace with that and surrender to this thing called marriage (that is BIGGER than ourselves), the better off we'll be.

2.) Stop getting mad over stupid stuff.
Stop getting mad about:
a.) Things that are Petty & From the Past (or T.t.a.P & F.P).
b.) Things for which he as already apologized
c.) Things that never really happened.

When I stop to think about it, this happens more in my marriage than I care to admit. And it's totally all my doing. Here are a few examples:

Tonight, I was late. I thought Tim said, “Twenty minutes.” He thought his tone said, “Now.” Holy cow. My boxing gloves, please.

That stuff is going to happen. Meh. It just is.

In the car, we had One of Those Talks. You know the ones. Basically, you find yourself in an argument in which you know you just.aren't.going.to.win. (Even though you really want to.)

We pulled into the parking lot, and I knew, for the love of Pete, I just needed a minute. I realized this was petty. Even though it only occurred a mere 15 minutes ago, it was also in the past.

Sigh. See? I'm still learning to let go.

Still need another example?

Tim and I recently had a conversation about a couple who had shared with us their struggle to evenly divide household chores. (Been there...still doing that.) I defended my friend. He, of course, defended the husband. Then this sparked the “What would you have done...?” conversation.

(I think all wedding vows should state, “To love, honor, cherish, and avoid talking in hypotheticals as long as we both shall live.”)

Because then we bought a one-way ticket to Crazy Town.

The next thing I know, he's bent out of shape with me because I didn't clean up the kitchen before I took our imaginary/unborn kids to the park while he was at work. Now he has to come home from his pretend job to a messy, fictional kitchen.

And before I knew it, I was mad. Mad, I tell you.

He apologized for his tone. I woke up grumpy, and the next day I prayed a loud and grouchy prayer on the way to work.

And God said, “...So...let me get this straight. You are mad about something for which he has already apologized.”

Yes.

“And....you're mad about something that didn't even happen....you know, in REAL LIFE?”

Yes...?

...?

And then I realized that I am impossible to live with sometimes, and God had to iron me out, just a little. More and more, everyday, actually.

Here's to being more POSSIBLE in the future.

Love, less anger and more love,
H.


Holly and her husband have been adventuring together as husband and wife for about 3 years.  To learn more about their adventures, dogs, and how she takes her coffee, you can visit her at http://yourstrulyh.blogspot.com.  

If you are interested in sharing a lesson from your own marriage, please get in touch for details about guest-posting in this series!

Related Posts
Secrets of a Newlywed:  Let Your Husband Lead
Secrets of a Newlywed: Learning What My Husband Really Wants

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