Secrets of a Newlywed: The Truth About Struggles Having Sex

This is the next post in Secrets of a Newlywed, a series where I and a handful of other bloggers open up and share some of the lessons, insights and understandings—the little secrets—that have strengthened our marriages. (To read through all the posts in this series, click here.)

Today, I’m grateful to get to share a guest post with you today from one of my friends about a pretty sensitive subject: Sex. More specifically, when there are complications having sex. This isn’t something that many people talk about, so I appreciate her willingness to be vulnerable and share her story with us: The Truth About Struggles Having Sex.

During our engagement, we put careful consideration planning our wedding weekend. All the normal stuff we were checking off the list. But, what I didn't carefully prepare my heart for was the changes that would come.

In preparation for the wedding night, I started using birth control and doing some exercises in preparation to have sex for the first time. I had been on birth control for two months and during the week of our wedding, I started having some very negative effects. I was on my period for well over two weeks. It was seriously painful. To help me to stop, they gave me several hormones which probably did help anything. My period did stop, but I felt very sick for the next month. It was stressful to feel so horrible and have to tend to family arriving, last-minute wedding details, and all of my in-laws (some whom I hadn't met before) staying at my home.

The wedding came, and it was perfect. Tears came to my eyes about how God had provided for us to have such a beautiful wedding. I loved every second of our ceremony and reception. We danced our hearts out with our friends and family, smashed some cake in our mouths, and marched out the door. We happily headed to the hotel. Our hotel room was perfectly lit with candles and rose petals were all around. It was breathtaking. My now-husband carried me through the door; this was it.

We both were very inexperienced virgins. All through our relationship, we chose to guard our purity in order to have a beautiful marriage. Well, the first night was a disaster. Without giving too much detail, we couldn't figure how or why he couldn't enter me. We tried all kinds of tricks that we had read in marriage books. Nothing was working and I was getting more and more anxious, scared, and emotional. My husband, though, was calm, peaceful, and a total gentleman. We prayed and prayed then drifted off to sleep. It had been a beautiful night, and we were exhausted.

The next morning we left for our honeymoon. We had a week to go away and figure all this sex stuff out. We tried and tried. And failed and failed. Why was this so hard? We searched the internet for Christian advice and came up empty handed. It was hard not to feel like a failure. God really gave us grace despite having complications and my being sick, so that we really enjoyed our honeymoon.

We returned home and all my girlfriends were waiting on pins and needles to hear about every detail. I told two of my closest friends what we were struggling with and they couldn't understand. I was really hurt when they shared the information with our other friends. Not only did I feel like I failed my husband, but I let my friends down, too. I tried to not let it affect me, but it did. After seeing my friends’ reactions, I didn't want to talk with anyone else about it.

I was hurt to find out that all my single girl friends were having girls’ nights and not inviting me. I asked them why and they would say they thought I'd be home with my husband. Which was true. Every time I did hang around them, they would keep telling me how much I changed. I didn't tell them anything anymore because I refused to go into depth about my sex life with them. I wasn’t being open with them.

I was hurt. I was emotionally hurt by not being able to have sex for the first few months of marriage. I was hurt that my friends shared my secret with others. I didn't know what to do but to turn to God.

More changes came as I lost my 45+ hour job and we decided to leave our church (at the time we disagreed with some fundamental theology). And we moved across the country. A few things didn't change, most importantly our relationship with God didn't. Putting God first in our relationship, engagement, and marriage has been the number one reason our marriage is anything. And our relationship grew deeper and stronger. This I couldn't be more thankful for.

Although all of this was going on, I loved being married. It was so fun to spend all this time with my husband. We could make out all day, finally. We could watch movies, and I could cook daily meals. What I'm genuinely so blessed about my marriage is that even through the early struggles we weren't shaken. We didn't place blame on God or each other. Before we were married I knew my husband. He was the most patient, loving, and long-suffering guy I'd ever met. This held up to no end. I never felt pressured, and he never felt unsatisfied. God gave us grace and continues to give us grace.

We saw a doctor and it still took us several months to be able to completely have sex. After talking to the doctor and hearing that this is more common than not, I felt more at ease and it was easier to keep trying. I remember when we finally could have sex; cue the angel music. It was beautiful. One mountain down, and many more to go.

What I would advise other women who may find themselves in a similar situation would be to trust God. Ultimately, our marriage is only satisfied and sustained by Him. Sex is a glue, but it's not a foundation. I learned to view myself through God's eyes. The fact of the matter was God knew what struggles we were going to face before we faced them. In His eyes, I wasn't a failure.

Practically, my husband and I communicated through the whole process. I didn't hold any thought back and he didn't hold any ideas back. We sought advice and learned from others. We cried together. We prayed. We were hopeful together. And we laughed together that we had the rest of our lives to enjoy one another fully. Personally, at times it was a struggle to try over and over and over again. This was a constant battle within me to not give up. At times, that’s all I wanted to do. But, I had a lovely husband to woo my heart back into trying.

Looking back into my newlywed life, I still wonder why there isn't more material for girls who have complications when having sex for the first time. I now know that I'm not the only person that couldn't have sex at first. Every Christian sex related book I've seen or read deals heavily with purity before marriage and how wonderful sex is when you wait. The world views sex as casually beautiful. What I struggled most with I couldn't find help for. I had to turn to Christ. We had to turn to Christ. Which in the end, strengthened our relationship together and with Christ more than anything ever has.

This was a guest post by one of my friends, who wished to remain anonymous due to the personal nature of the topic. Please take a moment to leave her a note in the comments and show her some love for her willingness to open up and share this struggle. Thanks so much!

UPDATE: I'm so glad to hear from all of you who have left comments, that you have appreciated the honesty of this post and that it's been an encouragement to those of you who are experiencing similar struggles. My friend said that she would be happy to talk, pray and share more of her story in hopes of helping other readers who feel alone in this. You can email her at fairbutlovely0@gmail.com. (Note that it's a 'zero' and not an 'oh' in the email address.)

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