Secrets of a Newlywed: The Truth About Struggles Having Sex

This is the next post in Secrets of a Newlywed, a series where I and a handful of other bloggers open up and share some of the lessons, insights and understandings—the little secrets—that have strengthened our marriages. (To read through all the posts in this series, click here.)

Today, I’m grateful to get to share a guest post with you today from one of my friends about a pretty sensitive subject: Sex. More specifically, when there are complications having sex. This isn’t something that many people talk about, so I appreciate her willingness to be vulnerable and share her story with us: The Truth About Struggles Having Sex.

During our engagement, we put careful consideration planning our wedding weekend. All the normal stuff we were checking off the list. But, what I didn't carefully prepare my heart for was the changes that would come.

In preparation for the wedding night, I started using birth control and doing some exercises in preparation to have sex for the first time. I had been on birth control for two months and during the week of our wedding, I started having some very negative effects. I was on my period for well over two weeks. It was seriously painful. To help me to stop, they gave me several hormones which probably did help anything. My period did stop, but I felt very sick for the next month. It was stressful to feel so horrible and have to tend to family arriving, last-minute wedding details, and all of my in-laws (some whom I hadn't met before) staying at my home.

The wedding came, and it was perfect. Tears came to my eyes about how God had provided for us to have such a beautiful wedding. I loved every second of our ceremony and reception. We danced our hearts out with our friends and family, smashed some cake in our mouths, and marched out the door. We happily headed to the hotel. Our hotel room was perfectly lit with candles and rose petals were all around. It was breathtaking. My now-husband carried me through the door; this was it.

We both were very inexperienced virgins. All through our relationship, we chose to guard our purity in order to have a beautiful marriage. Well, the first night was a disaster. Without giving too much detail, we couldn't figure how or why he couldn't enter me. We tried all kinds of tricks that we had read in marriage books. Nothing was working and I was getting more and more anxious, scared, and emotional. My husband, though, was calm, peaceful, and a total gentleman. We prayed and prayed then drifted off to sleep. It had been a beautiful night, and we were exhausted.

The next morning we left for our honeymoon. We had a week to go away and figure all this sex stuff out. We tried and tried. And failed and failed. Why was this so hard? We searched the internet for Christian advice and came up empty handed. It was hard not to feel like a failure. God really gave us grace despite having complications and my being sick, so that we really enjoyed our honeymoon.

We returned home and all my girlfriends were waiting on pins and needles to hear about every detail. I told two of my closest friends what we were struggling with and they couldn't understand. I was really hurt when they shared the information with our other friends. Not only did I feel like I failed my husband, but I let my friends down, too. I tried to not let it affect me, but it did. After seeing my friends’ reactions, I didn't want to talk with anyone else about it.

I was hurt to find out that all my single girl friends were having girls’ nights and not inviting me. I asked them why and they would say they thought I'd be home with my husband. Which was true. Every time I did hang around them, they would keep telling me how much I changed. I didn't tell them anything anymore because I refused to go into depth about my sex life with them. I wasn’t being open with them.

I was hurt. I was emotionally hurt by not being able to have sex for the first few months of marriage. I was hurt that my friends shared my secret with others. I didn't know what to do but to turn to God.

More changes came as I lost my 45+ hour job and we decided to leave our church (at the time we disagreed with some fundamental theology). And we moved across the country. A few things didn't change, most importantly our relationship with God didn't. Putting God first in our relationship, engagement, and marriage has been the number one reason our marriage is anything. And our relationship grew deeper and stronger. This I couldn't be more thankful for.

Although all of this was going on, I loved being married. It was so fun to spend all this time with my husband. We could make out all day, finally. We could watch movies, and I could cook daily meals. What I'm genuinely so blessed about my marriage is that even through the early struggles we weren't shaken. We didn't place blame on God or each other. Before we were married I knew my husband. He was the most patient, loving, and long-suffering guy I'd ever met. This held up to no end. I never felt pressured, and he never felt unsatisfied. God gave us grace and continues to give us grace.

We saw a doctor and it still took us several months to be able to completely have sex. After talking to the doctor and hearing that this is more common than not, I felt more at ease and it was easier to keep trying. I remember when we finally could have sex; cue the angel music. It was beautiful. One mountain down, and many more to go.

What I would advise other women who may find themselves in a similar situation would be to trust God. Ultimately, our marriage is only satisfied and sustained by Him. Sex is a glue, but it's not a foundation. I learned to view myself through God's eyes. The fact of the matter was God knew what struggles we were going to face before we faced them. In His eyes, I wasn't a failure.

Practically, my husband and I communicated through the whole process. I didn't hold any thought back and he didn't hold any ideas back. We sought advice and learned from others. We cried together. We prayed. We were hopeful together. And we laughed together that we had the rest of our lives to enjoy one another fully. Personally, at times it was a struggle to try over and over and over again. This was a constant battle within me to not give up. At times, that’s all I wanted to do. But, I had a lovely husband to woo my heart back into trying.

Looking back into my newlywed life, I still wonder why there isn't more material for girls who have complications when having sex for the first time. I now know that I'm not the only person that couldn't have sex at first. Every Christian sex related book I've seen or read deals heavily with purity before marriage and how wonderful sex is when you wait. The world views sex as casually beautiful. What I struggled most with I couldn't find help for. I had to turn to Christ. We had to turn to Christ. Which in the end, strengthened our relationship together and with Christ more than anything ever has.

This was a guest post by one of my friends, who wished to remain anonymous due to the personal nature of the topic. Please take a moment to leave her a note in the comments and show her some love for her willingness to open up and share this struggle. Thanks so much!

UPDATE: I'm so glad to hear from all of you who have left comments, that you have appreciated the honesty of this post and that it's been an encouragement to those of you who are experiencing similar struggles. My friend said that she would be happy to talk, pray and share more of her story in hopes of helping other readers who feel alone in this. You can email her at (Note that it's a 'zero' and not an 'oh' in the email address.)

Related Posts
Secrets of a Newlywed: Make Your Marriage a Priority
Secrets of a Newlywed: Who's At the Center of Your Marriage?


  1. lovely post!! thanks for sharing so intimately....many many women can relate!!!

  2. Wow - I can relate in so many ways to your story! My wedding night sounds a lot like your was. I was very upset after trying all these different "techniques" and them not working, that I got really upset and thought that something was wrong with me. My husband, however, was very, very loving and calm and told me everything was going to be okay and that we had the rest of our lives to have sex. So, we opened all of our wedding gifts instead. =)

    It wasn't until the tail end of our honeymoon that we were finally able to have sex, but it took about a month before it actually started feeling good for me. That was okay though, because the wait was totally worth it.

    I too, wonder why there isn't more information for virgins having sex for the first time. It makes people like us seem not normal, when I know that lots of couples have struggled with it.

    Thanks for being so transparent about your newlywed struggles, because I know that it will definitely help some women who feel alone. =)

  3. I've been married just over two months and can relate to this. We were able to have sex on our wedding night, but it was painful to the point that I cried. While I'm able to do it now, it's still very painful and it's something that I have to will myself to do. I've been to the doctor and the only advice I got was, "It will take time. Use lots of lube." Gee, thanks. I also got the impression from my doctor that it was partly because I was an inexperienced virgin. I've had other friends say that they felt their doctor looked down on them and dismissed the problem as something due to their inexperience and everything would've been fine if they started having sex in high school like everyone else. What?! It is getting slightly better with time, but at this point it still doesn't feel good. It will be a major victory for me when I can just do it without pain.

  4. Thanks for chiming in with your own experiences, ladies. I am glad that this can be a place where we can be honest with one another, even in the most intimate of struggles.

    Stacee, I laughed when I saw that you opened wedding presents instead. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!! :)

    Anonymous, I think it is such a shame to hear your doctor treated you like that. I guess it's just a reality in our culture today that no one *really* expects you to wait until marriage. I, for one, though, am so THRILLED to know that, struggles having sex aside, you and the other ladies commenting here DID make the choice to wait. I find that SO encouraging, because it really is so rare these days. I think waiting is too underrated these days!

  5. P.S. I will make it a point to pray for those of you who are dealing with these struggles right now. I know that God made sexual intimacy between a husband and wife a thing to be enjoyed.

  6. Thank you so much for sharing! I totally agree with you that there is not much out there about sex in seems especially taboo for Christian women to talk about it. I was one of the first ones of my friends to get married and it was lonely for awhile with them not understanding a lot of what I was going through. My husband and I have been married for a year now and we've found that sex is not like the movies...its simpler and more beautiful than that.

    Thank you again for sharing, I think more married women should or those single friends will be in for a rude awakening when reality hits them.


  7. Wow.

    First off Carmen, I want to thank you for hosting this guest post. It's true what the author said, there aren't very many places/books at all where a Christian woman can really find sound help or advice with these types of struggles. I wish there were...

    It took my husband and I seven months to get to an ok place with sex. It's still a struggle for us, and sad to say, because we've had so many difficulties with it, we tend to avoid sex in our times of intimacy. It's just such thin ice whether one of us is going to get discouraged with another failed try.

    It is a very isolated feeling because everyone thinks sex should be the most wonderful and magical experience as a newlywed. Then when it isn't, it's easy to feel ashamed and doubtful of who to talk to about it.

    We had a similar experience at the doctor. He looked at us blankly when we said we were having trouble figuring out *how* to have sex. He was not helpful at all. I remember bursting into tears after leaving the doctor's office because I felt so belittled and dumb.

    I would make it a point to advise Christian women I know getting married in the future to find a Christian doctor who might be more gracious and understanding.

    I praise God that it seems like you are all women who have kind, gentle and loving husbands. If it weren't for the bond of love and commitment I feel with my husband through our difficulties, I don't know where I'd be...

  8. Thanks for posting this, Carmen. I am engaged right now and I'm also a virgin and I have a lot of worries about sex, if I'm being honest. All of my married friends have told me that sex really hurt at first. It's nice to know that a lot of women deal with this. Thanks again.

  9. I'm getting married next month and I must say, this all freaks me out a little bit. Does anyone actually have a good experience their first time?

  10. This is amazing. Thank you to your friend for sharing. We had struggles of our own at the start of our marriage, and it means a lot that your friend has been so open here. God bless.

  11. Thank you. So much. My husband and I have been married for three months and haven't been able to have "real" sex. I haven't told anyone about it. I've felt alone and defective and didn't believe that these problems were at all normal. I am so relieved to know that I am not alone in my struggle and that there is hope.

  12. Thank you so very much for this post. I married the man of my dreams 10 days ago and still have not been able to fully give him the gift he's waited his whole life for. I had to find a gynecologist on our honeymoon and while she was a great Christian lady, the advice was much the same as everyone else's. It is very frustrating and I feel completely drained, emotionally. I can't talk to anyone about this & feel so abnormal. I just hope there really is a light at the end of the tunnel & that I will be able to be fully intimate with my husband soon!

    Carmen, I would also appreciate your prayers! I thank your friend SO very much for her honesty & bravery in sharing this with us.

  13. Woah, I'm so blessed to read this comments of each of your experiences. The Lord is so gracious to care for us in times like these. And now I'm so glad I decided to write about this subject.

    Although, I choose to remain anonymous..I'd love to talk, pray, and share my story even more in depth with anyone. Please email me at

    I think, I chose to remain anonymous because I still have it in my head that I'm the only one that faced this type of situation. But, I wasn't alone and I'm still not now. I am so happy for every couple that has sailed right into blissful sex life. But for those of us that haven't... we have to be patient, keep our central focus of the Lord, be long suffering, quick to forgive (mainly ourselves), and ready to try-try-and try some more.

    Thank you again for all your comments!!! Praying for you all. Xoxo.

  14. shoes up not distinguishable... but again...
    it's fairbutlovely(zero)

    Hehe :)

    Thanks Carmen for the opportunity to share and for this series.

  15. Thank you, Carmen, for sharing this! I can surely relate!

    I'll admit that I did not stay pure until marriage [like I should have], it's my only regret, and I found that that made it difficult to be with my husband the first YEAR we were married...Now I see that I may have had a hard time anyway and that by sharing this you've actually put my thoughts about the subject at ease! That was years ago now, but I still cry sometimes and I feel like I'm not "over it". (Crazy right?)

    I hope the author of this post knows she is NOT alone and that she and her husband are so blessed to be each other's first.

  16. Hi Ladies...

    I'm just wondering here--isn't there a closeness that is still pleasurable, as in touching and/or orgasming that way?

    I am engaged to wonderful guy who I've been with for 1.5 years. We have been intimate before (we have since stopped to be more pure and not be as distracted as we consider marriage), but we have never actually had intercourse. I found it odd that none of the commenters mentioned "other things" that you can do without entering. I know that intercourse is probably the "most" intimate and natural of sexual acts, but what about just touching and "being" together?

    As I said, I have not actually had intercourse, but I would imagine being very turned on is essential. And getting to that point necessitates feeling very safe, not to mention, sexy. So what about encouraging petting more as "training" for sex?

    To be honest, I cannot imagine looking forward to a wedding night without any knowledge of what it would be like. As we have been dating, we are amazed that some couples choose never to have intimacy, even when they know they are going to be married. I would hate to feel fearful of my own husband-to-be. That just seems unnecessarily to make you feel like a child.

    I am not trying to advocate exploration/orgasm before marriage--I agree that it's probably not the best idea. BUT I wish that waiting did not put SO much pressure on one night of your life.

    Does anyone else feel this way?

  17. Wanted to chime in here for a sec...

    To those reading who are engaged or hope to someday be married: Do not let this post "freak" you out about your wedding night. Yes, there are couples who have trouble having intercourse, but there are also many who are able to have enjoyable sex, as well.

    I think the thing that has struck a chord here is that the troubles are something people never talk about, and getting to hear from others is so refreshing. Please do not let this scare you about sex on your wedding night. But, at the same time, know that if you do have struggles, you are not alone, you have not failed, it is NOTHING to be ashamed of.

    Additionally, it's important to remember that intimacy in marriage takes many forms, whether it's physical, sexual, spiritual or emotional. Intercourse is not all there is to marriage--even when you can have great sex.

    Like my friend wrote, sex is A glue, but not THE glue that keeps a marriage flourishing. For that kind of glue, we can only turn to the One who created marriage in the first place.

  18. To everyone else who has commented, thank you so, so much for opening up and letting this post bring healing and encouragement to one another! You ladies are incredible and never fail to impress me with your graciousness. Thank you so much for making this an uplifting and encouraging place!

  19. I just wanted to chime in and give a virtual hug to all the ladies who commented and to the original poster. I have a dear friend who had similar experiences, and it broke my heart to hear that your friends would violate your trust that way. I know that it was hard for her to share with us, but I also know that it did her good to be able to speak openly and vulnerably and that seeing her attitude was good for us, as well. I don't think I had ever really noticed that this wasn't talked about much in Christian circles before that season with my friend, but now I am very aware of it.

    I think so many times in life (and in the church) we feel like we're alone and we're "the only one" to go through something. I would venture to say that almost every single time, that's not true. But finding someone who has shared your experience isn't always easy. Kudos to all of you for sharing. I'm single, so I don't have much to say specifically on the subject, but I know this has reminded me of how important it is to be a supportive sister in Christ and keep safe channels of communication open. So thank you for that :)

  20. This is a great website that might be helpful to those experiencing this. You don't have to suffer alone.

  21. To Jackie--
    I wanted to reply to your post because I for one also messed up before I truly came in close relationship to the Lord. I was with quite a few guys and it still breaks my heart... and it was so hard to tell my fiance my past. But he completely understood and he helped me through my shame and heartbreak as I felt as though I had failed him and God. Why was it hard for you the first entire year to be with your husband?? Thank you for being open and sharing :) Makes ME feel like I am not alone..

  22. Love your newlywed series! I just discovered it from one of your posts on Relevant and am having fun catching up on it! I'm not technically a newlywed anymore (just celebrated my 6 year anniversary) but I definitely don't have it all figured out!

  23. Wow. What a topic!

    To all you ladies who are newlyweds and have posted that you have had similar struggles, I'd like to offer a ray of hope.

    While I came to my husband as a virgin, I know MANY women who lost their virginity in high school. You want the truth? It hurt many of them them just as much as it does you. There are MANY factors involved, but the fact that you DID wait until marriage means that your road to sexual fulfillment will be met with love and tenderness... not some high school guy putting pressure on you to perform for his quick "fix".

    That being said, I experienced a completely different problem when I came to the marriage bed. Although sex was not as painful for me as it is for some women, it also wasn't very fulfilling. I couldn't hit a climax during sex and it was making me sexually frustrated. We did some other things to help with this, but it wasn't the same. Add in the complications that physically come with allowing your body to adapt to a new sex life, (urinary tract and vaginal infections for example), and I too felt broken. For us too, it took us a long time to get sex figured out. My husband had some experience... I had ZERO. He'd ask me, "What do you want?" The answer was I didn't know.

    Exactly one year after our vows I got the ultimate anniversary gift... I finally was fulfilled by the raw act of sex. Not all our problems were solved then. 5 years and two babies have created other problems that needed solving. But the fact of it is, God ABSOLUTELY rewards you for waiting! Sex doesn't come easy to first timers - whether you are 15 or 45, and it's constantly changing. The work you put into being open with your husband now will help ensure not only that you figure it out now, but that you'll be able to continue figuring it out!

  24. Megan, thank you for sharing!

    This is the beautiful of each of our stories as married women. It's writing love story with our husbands which includes the figuring out, the ups, the downs, the blessings, and the complete failures.

    Although, I won't wish any of the complications that my husband I went through early on in our marriage.. But, what we learned and how we grew closer and with God is priceless.

    Thanks again for everyone chiming in with the comments, love, and stories! XOXO

    -The Author of Post :)

  25. @ S --

    Thank you for your reply. I felt heartbroken as a nutshell:

    I was in a relationship before I met my husband with a guy that I truly thought I was going to get married to some day. It sounds so silly to me now but we are teenagers at the time and very attracted to each other. However, I was a Christian during this time. In fact, my hardest most trying times took place AFTER I met God and let into my "space"; but I still wouldn't let him into my heart.

    I felt like I was in love and, at the time, he loved me...or so I thought. Having sex before marriage was something that I knew what wrong, I had convictions about it, too, but in the end I did what I thought that I wanted.

    When I met my husband I had just come out of that relationship. I was broken and I felt used and ashamed of myself. When I got to REALLY know my husband (when we were engaged), I told him everything (come to find out, he had been in a similar situation before he met me). He was so patient and understanding and sweet, but I felt like I had given something away that was rightfully his and I felt so guilty; like I was damaged and he deserved better from me. I also felt that I had failed God. I knew that he warned me and being the rebellious teen that I was, I didn't listen. I felt so much shame for what I did that it took a whole year to get over the guilt. For a long time, every time I was with my husband, I would cry in during or after. I felt like I couldn't forgive myself yet...Now I know that I was wrong to think and act that way, but it was painful and at the time I wasn't sure how to feel so I did what I was best at - I punished myself.

    Sorry, I know that was a lot, but I don't mind talking about it if it helps someone else. I did eventually realize that God had forgiven those sins an more and that my husband and the intimacy we could share was a blessing that I was free to have and to feel, that both God and my husband wanted me to be happy. So the pain did fade away when I learned to let it go, it was just hard...

  26. Thank you so much for this post!
    Megan, I really appreciated your comment, as though my husband and I were able to have sex from the beginning, it continues to be painful at times, and after almost a year of marriage I still haven't had an orgasm. Thankfully, God has given me an incredible husband and our sex life is still extremely fulfilling. It's just difficult not having any married friends that I feel comfortable enough with to talk to, and my one single friend seemed utterly baffled when I told her. Trying to find answers is daunting and for now I've just relegated myself to enjoying what we have for the present.

  27. I had a similar experience as well! God blessed my husband and I (both virgins) with a beautiful wedding night, but the honeymoon and the next months were hard. For the first 6 weeks or so of our marriage it hurt so bad to have sex. Lubricant didn't help, and I felt so helpless as a wife. I didn't know other people went through similar situations and I didn't understand why God asks us to wait only to struggle. Here's what I've learned:

    1. People who have sex before marriage are not having honeymoon sex. By that I mean you usually have intercourse and then have a few days or more to heal. When you are on your honeymoon, it is more likely that you will keep trying without a proper healing time.

    2. Practical advice: go slow. Tell your husband to go painfully slow (they have different concepts of slow) and don't be afraid to ask him to slow down. Have him move in and out right at the opening for a bit to help spread the moisture. You can relax yourself while he's doing this and he will be all the way in before you know it (and with minimal pain). Schedule a week in the future (after the first month or so) to be your 'honeymoon' week and give yourself time to heal before that!

    3. There is literature out there! My husband and I bought 'Sheet Music' by Dr. Lehman on our honeymoon. I remembered a sunday school teacher recommending it when she got married and it is written for Christians who are going into marriage as virgins. It is a great how-to for those of us who need a little instruction, and it is also a great way to connect with your husband and bring up important questions for discussion. Seriously, read it.

    I hope you ladies are encouraged by finding other stories like yours (I know I am!). We've only been married for 4 months it's already so much better!

  28. It makes me so happy to see that others are sharing their thoughts on this subject. I am a newlywed going through the exact same things and still working through it. It is wonderful knowing you are not alone. There is one comment I think everyone should remember is prayer because it changes the whole dynamic of the relationship. You don't feel like a failure then. God gives you more grace. He makes it possible for the husband and wife to work things our on their own time without feeling overwhelming pressure. Thank you for your suggestion on reading 'Sheet Music'. I will definitely purchase it. I have to admit that I was discouraged in reading other christian marriage books that made me feel that since my situation didn't match the examples they gave in the book that something must be WRONG with us but that is not true. Your situation does not have to match the one described in the book and don't fall for the stereotypes that men are this way and women are that way. That is certainly not always the case. Don't let a book make you feel inadequate, insecure or that you are flawed. Those feelings can hurt your relationship. You and your spouse have taken the time to get to know eachother so remember those qualities about your spouse. The two of you know eachother better than you think. Don't overlook that. Don't expect for an author to know you or your spouse better than you do. If you remember that and pray to God for an extra dose of patience you will be fine:)

  29. As always, lovely words, ladies. I am so glad that this post has touched so many hearts and been an encouragement. Thank you so much for being so supportive to on another. That's what makes blogging such a lovely thing :)

  30. I recently married just under 3 months ago and my wife and I had some challenges that we have worked through. She was very nervous and still had a lot of stress from the whole wedding event, and she was pretty much expecting a painful experience. She was so worked up that I also got nervous and absolutely did not want to cause her pain. Sex just didn't work out for the first few days. It wasn't my wife who had all the trouble either, it was me too. Being so nervous and mentally focused on not causing any pain ended up causing me to not be able to physically have sex. I felt pretty embarrassed ;) We just kept trying, taking it slow, and laughing at all those expectations that are gathered up from so many books, magazines, movies, etc. After about a week and a half we were able to have sex for a short period of time before my wife experienced too much discomfort. Now, about at the 3 month mark, we are able to enjoy each other and still strive to make improvements for each other. Hopefully that helps a little. It's not just the woman making adjustments!

  31. I know this comment is months late, but this story is encouraging to me. I can't believe how many woman have this problem, myself included. And some of the comments have shocked me, so this is something I need to say to all of the commenters and readers right now...

    If intercourse is painful for you, months later, even YEARS later, get help. And keep going back for help until someone listens to you. It's not mental, it's not all in your head.

    My husband and I struggled with me experiencing pain with intercourse for the first three whole years. It was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. And at first, like most, I dismissed it entirely. But after about a year, I was saying, "Okay, come on." Obviously is wasn't inexperience or unused tissues and muscles anymore. So why would it hurt?

    I went to various doctors. One said to relax, I was tensing up and 'clenching my muscles too hard.' One said it was all in my head. But none of them could find anything wrong with me physically. My husband is my only partner, ever, so I was disease free. There weren't any other sorts of diseases either. I was examined many times over three years, and just a few months ago I finally started getting somewhere.

    It took doctors three. years. to figure out what was finally happening with me - DO NOT GIVE UP! Please! Pain with intercourse is NOT normal and pain is your body's way of telling you something is not right. Please, for your emotional and physical health, do not settle for painful intercourse. I was to that point too, trust me. Until I was given the number of a specialist and he diagnosed me with something the very first appointment I had with him. After years, I had some peace of mind.

    But my point in all this... Please, don't settle for painful intercourse. There is hope out there! For years I assumed this would just be how it was, and I feared it would slowly ruin my marriage. Don't let it. Sex is fairly important but it isn't everything. You have to beat down the doctor office doors until someone helps you. Do it for yourself and your partner!

  32. Im getting married in September and I am a virgin. Thanks so much for posting this it helps lower the very high expectations everyone puts on the Honeymoon. God bless you for opening up and sharing like this. :)

  33. Dear Anonymous from December 21, 2011 4:57 AM and anyone else who reads this:

    I agree 300%. If your doctor doesn't care that you are in pain when having sex or that you aren't able to have sex then you need to find another dr!!!!! I was able to have sex when I first got married and for 4 months life was good. Then I got a horrid yeast infection and the pain was horrid and constant even if all I did was stay in bed all day! It took me 8 doctors and 3 months to get a diagnosis (Vulvar Vestibulitis) and in the end I had to have a pretty traumatic surgery that I am still recovering from (I had it 5 months ago). We have had sex a few times since surgery but it is near impossible since it causes me so much pain/discomfort!!! Just like the author of this blog I would be totally willing to talk to anyone who needs a listening ear or advice on these situations. I'm not an expert but I have been there/done that and know first hand how hard it is!

    Oh and for those of you having trouble that have people telling you to use more lubricant: stay away from KY brand!!!!! In fact - it is messy but my surgeon recommends olive oil!

    Please feel free to contact me:

  34. I am so thankful that I have come across this post!I have been married for 8 months now and we still have not been able to have sex.I am in my late 20s and I thought that saving myself for marriage and my wedding night were going to be amazing....boy that's just false advertising.I also wanted to note that I went to the gynecologist 4 months before our wedding to get birth control pills and ended up having to see a nurse practitioner because the doctor I wanted to see was booked months out. The nurse practitioner did not do a pelvic exam/pap because she said that since I have never been sexually active that there was no need to do one...I was very relieved to hear that. She only did a breast exam and felt my abdomen and then talked to me about birth control pills and prescribed them and I was on my way. On our wedding night we tried and tried (using astroglide)and I even had a few glasses of wine...for this is what my nurse practitioner told me to do...finally I was just too sore so we stopped. He couldn't even enter me at all. It was like my legs just wanted to keep closing...I was also anticipating pain because this was all I was hearing from friends and the internet. It was really hard when we went on a cruise for our honeymoon and the hosts of some of the shows on the ship were cracking jokes on the newlyweds "rocking the boat" I just wanted to cry because it just wasn't funny since we could not even have sex. We tried maybe 3 times on our honeymoon and it just didn't work out.I have cried and cried over this and just feel so alone. Thankfully my husband is such a patient person and loves me unconditionally. He just says "we will keep trying and even if it never happens that's ok." It's not ok to me because I want to be able to have sex and maybe have children one day. We have only tried maybe a few other times since the honeymoon. I am a full time student and work I am always stressing about school. It's like I'm just so afraid at failing every time we try to have sex so we have not really attempted in awhile. I even feel like the birth control that I take (Trisprintec) makes me feel like never being in the mood for sex. Maybe I should just get off of it and use only condoms....I hate taking birth control but I know it's more accurate than only using condoms (if we ever actually become successful having sex). Can anyone else relate or have any advice? I don't have health insurance right now and can not really afford to dish out the money to go to the doctor..I also hate going to the doctor. I did read on that birth control could partially be a reason for painful sex because of the thickening of the walls or something. I just don't know what to do...I even have gone to the vaginismus website and ordered the spacers kit but I still tense up and can't even get the smallest spacer inside of me as well as a tampon. This is so embarrassing but I just hope that someone reading has some advice. Thank you so much for this post it is encouraging and we won't give up!

  35. I can feel everyone's pain. I have been going crazy especially since 3 doctors now have just dismissed the issue saying that it's all in my head! I am so discouraged and am truly struggling with my spouse to have sex. I have been married almost 2 years and we have not even come close to being successful with intercourse. My husband has been so patient and loving however I know that he has got to be frustrated at this point. I told him that he could just leave or even cheat on me...oh yes I'm at that point! He said he never would and hates when I say that but I just fell like I have lost all hope. It is very frustrating because I feel like I have waited all of my life to have sex and now that I am married I just feel like I have waited only for disappointment. Sorry to ramble on but I just feel like I have no one I can trust to talk to about this...I'm too ashamed to tell friends and family.

  36. You guys that are having trouble finding a dr to help you need to find a UroGynocologist or at least a Gyno that specializes in Vulvar pain, Vulvar Vestibulitis, and/or Vaginismus. If any of you live near Cleveland I can give you recommendations here and I also know of Drs in other areas too through a support forum I'm a part of on Facebook. I know it is weird to talk to people about these things but it really does help! Please, Please, Please contact me if you want to talk....

    Denise -

  37. Do you or anyone know of any Gynos that specializes in vaginismus in South Carolina? I am desperate! Thank you!

    1. Where in SC are you??

      I have had serious problems at least since last year (discovered it on our wedding night) and, after seeing 2 horrible dr's, finally found my pelvic pain specialist & she is WONDERFUL. She is also in Charlotte, but it is worth the drive (I am now living in Columbia). I finally got some answers (vaginismus & vulvodynia) & a plan of action. I changed my diet & am seeing a great pelvic pain physical therapist in Lexington. This past year has been HELL (sorry, but it's the truth) but thanks to God's wonderful grace & the help of my doctor, I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

      I know firsthand how lonely this is & how some "friend's" reactions are worse than if you had never told them. If you have any questions or just wanna talk to someone who gets it, feel free to email me:

  38. Look for a UroGynocologist that specializes in vulvar pain on google. Or you can check for doctors too.

  39. I'm a little late to the party, but it is so encouraging (and discouraging also) to know that this is common amongst people.

    I wish this was discussed more in Christian circles and practical advice and help given. Carmen thank you having such an honest post on your blog. May God bless you.

  40. I just wanted to give some hope to those of you who have been married awhile and are still having problems. My husband and I were both virgins when we married (I was in my late 20's) and I approached my wedding night with complete confidence that we would have a great first night. After all sex is natural and God created our bodies to enjoy sex so it shouldn't be a problem, right? For us it didn't work out that way. I remember how hopeless I felt months later when it was still too painful for intercourse. I remember how hopeful I was when the nurse practitioner told me it was not uncommon and that I should have a glass of wine and it should help me. I remember how on our 1st anniversary I was so ashamed that I still couldn't let my husband in. Thankfully, he was patient, kind, gentle and always listened to me never forcing anything. I cried many tears. I only talked to my GP and never got any good advice. Then I remember it gradually getting easier and I remember the first time it was actually pleasant. That was in year 5. I cried thankful tears. It has been 10 years and sex is now fantastic for both of us and our struggle bonded us. He was faithful to me even though I couldn't fully perform sexually. He was gentle with me even though he could have overpowered me. He never blamed me or put me down. It makes me love and treasure him so much more! Some good tips:
    Olive Oil is a great lubricant as is KY Silky.
    Don't rush intercourse if it hurts.
    Explore other ways of pleasuring each other.
    Foreplay is key!
    If I had to do it over again knowing what I now know, I would ask my Dr. about physically preparing months in advance with dilators.
    Don't give up, it's worth working on!

  41. To the Anonymous writer on April 6th 2012,thank you for your tips and story...I have been checking this blog everyday and it truly gives me hope! We are coming up on our one year anniversary and still have not been able to have sex but we are patiently trying and continuing to pray about it. If you don't mind me asking, at the time you and your husband were trying to have sex, did you actually ever have a pap smear with no problems? Before I got married I went to the nurse practitioner and she told me that since I was a virgin that there was no need to do a pap smear or pelvic exam,so now I'm scared to even go back and attempt to have one since I have not even had sex it seems like it will be impossible to even have a pap smear because I would just tense up and close my legs automatically. The nurse practitioner also told me to just have a glass of wine or two the night of our wedding and that I need to just relax and it should be fine. I wish it were that simple.

  42. For the ladies who have NOT had a pelvic exam to diagnose this problem - please have an exam as soon as possible!! Your problem could be very easy to fix! Most ladies have a thin hymen, but some of us have a very thick membrane that could never be penetrated with normal sexual intercourse. I experienced this problem and after my hymen was surgically removed (and after six weeks of healing time!), my husband and I were able to have sex with no problems!!! I won't lie - the outpatient surgery is not pleasant and the healing takes time, but the outcome is great and may save your marriage! See a doctor!!!

  43. I realize that I am joining the conversation after it seems to have ended, but I just stumbled upon today's post. I was shocked to read that so many other ladies have experienced the same thing that I have. It took two years of trying after our wedding for my husband and I to successfully have sex. We didn't pursue medical help because we were embarassed. The only one we turned to was our Heavenly Father. And He was faithful! For us the turning point was actually a position change. It made all the difference in the world. God is good, and today we are expecting our first child.

    1. Congrats! That's so exciting to hear how the Lord guided you through this--and gave you a baby, to boot! His love overflows :)

  44. Very informative blog..............
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  45. There's a new treatment for dyspareunia to cause stem cells to generate new healthy tissue. The procedure is called o-shot which has been very effective with my patient.
    More can be seen at
    Hope this helps.
    Charles Runels, MD


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