Secrets of a Newlywed: Who Are You Complaining To?

This is the next post in Secrets of a Newlywed, a series where I open up and share some of the lessons, insights and understandings—the little secrets—that have made my marriage the wedded bliss that it is. Like anything else, they are easier said than done. But I know from personal experience that when I do manage to live them out, I've seen what beautiful fruit they bear in my relationship with my husband. 

So, today, I share another with you: Who Are You Complaining To?

I hope that you will never hear me complain about my husband. I hope that you will never hear a negative comment about him slip through my lips.

It’s not because he’s perfect, because he certainly makes mistakes—just as I do.

But it’s because I value our marriage and don’t want to give, as Song of Songs calls them, the “little foxes” room to roam free and wreak havoc in our relationship.

You see, I believe in the power of words. As James says, the tongue can be “a whole world of evil among the parts of our bodies” and “it starts a fire that influences all of life.” (James 3:6) Even when we’re simply joking about how he leaves dirty clothes on the ground or the toilet seat up, I think those conversations can plant seeds of discontent in our hearts that, over time, can grow into jungles of festering resentment. All because we opened our mouths and breathed life to negativity.

That’s why I greatly desire to keep any venting out of conversations with man. Instead, they only have room in my conversations with God. And I can tell you that it’s these conversations that I’ve come to see bear much fruit. I don’t know that any one can say the same of the other kinds of conversations. Simply because the Lord is the only one who can actually do something about these issues!

There have been times when I’ve found myself frustrated with situations in my marriage, but taken them to the Lord earnestly in prayer. And I’ve seen the Holy Spirit work in our relationship, softening both my own heart and that of my husband.

Because hardly ever is conflict a one-way street. Yes, it may be the actions of one. But it doesn’t often stop there. We carry logs in our own eyes, whether it’s the ways we overreact in perceiving things or in expecting perfection from another human being. The Lord steps in with sanctification even in these moments, when we think we’re blameless!

The beautiful thing about that is that my husband hardly ever knows about these things, which keeps our relationship intact and healthy. And at the same time, it grows my dependency on and faith in the Lord, to know that with him, all things are possible and that he is the rock upon which we built our relationship. I let go, and let him work.

But the tongue can also be used for good and bring life. “Careless words stab like a sword, but wise words bring healing.” (Proverbs 12:18) And so it is true in our marriages, as well.

Instead of airing complaints, we ought to sing our husband’s praises. We put words to the things we appreciate about him. We tell others of the things he has accomplished. We only let words of encouragement flow from our lips.

And it bolsters our hearts, reminding us how much we do have to be thankful for in our marriage. Because if we look hard enough, there’s always something to be thankful for. Even when there’s dirty laundry on the floor and he left the toilet seat up, again.

(To read through all the posts in this series, click here.)  

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