Thoughts on Change and Wondering What the Future Might Hold...

As the seasons switch and autumn wanes, I've been thinking about the changing seasons and the future that will soon arrive with the chilled winds and evenings spent snuggling up on the couch beneath afghans and some kids duvets from days of yore to stay warm.

Sometimes when I try to think of "the future" it seems hard to think of things being any different than they are today. It is hard to see past this current limbo, while we try to figure out what's next for us and our careers and our finances and our futures.

The sensible part of me knows that change is inevitable and will at some point come to pass. That's exactly what time does, after all: usher in change of some sort, whether it's growing limbs, graying hairs or graduating into the next phase of life. Things will of course fall into place, because they always do, even if it's not the way we'd like it.

And lately, I've been feeling like that change is on its way. I have no idea what it will look like, the form it will take and the ripple effect it will induce upon our current "normalcy." But I can sense that this change that we've been awaiting is finally coming towards us and advancing.

And then I sit back and wonder, What will it be like when change does say hello?

I realize that it's likely I'll mourn the loss of these days of having my husband around to keep me company or chat to across the room while I'm doing some freelance work. I know that when change comes it will not be all wine and roses, like it appears from this angle. With the security comes other sacrifices, because there are always sacrifices.

And as I meditate on this more, I remember that one of the things that characterizes changing seasons the most is that we usually miss out on the changing altogether, until the old has completely dissolved and passed away. We open our eyes to realize that fall has become winter and our lashes are laced with snowflakes, or that spring has sprung into summer, just as we're cannon-balling into the swimming pool.

I realize that even though I might not see it happening around me, change must be taking place, because that's how life, that's how God, works. Even though I may not see it from this vantage point, I know that God cares intimately about us and hears our prayers, as he divinely ties it all together into one beautiful tapestry that we won't even notice until we look back behind us.

It's then, when I'm praying and am quiet long enough, that I  can begin to sense the feeling of change. That it's happening, even now, being woven together, bit by bit.

And so as I intermittently long for change and fear what it may bring, I submit to the fact that it is inevitable. And I try to remind myself to relish this now and this season of life—however long it sticks around.

For the month of December, I’m taking a break from writing new posts to better enjoy the holidays with family and friends. Instead, I’ll be sharing some of my favorite posts from my first two years of blogging here. I hope you enjoy getting to do a little time-traveling with me, and I’ll be back to ring in the new year with all new posts! (Click here to see today's original post.)

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The Search for a Home

Originally, we had been planning that we’d be moving right around this time. We wanted to find a place to live closer to my husband’s work and thought we’d already have all the details nailed down right now. However, a couple of weeks into the search process and we realized something: There’s a chance we might try to buy a house!

It really came out of nowhere and surprised even me because I didn’t think it was really possible right now. But when we started looking, we saw that with a little TLC, it could really become a reality.

Because of that, we have extended our lease at our current apartment for another month, while we troll more houses and contemplate putting offers on the ones we feel make a good fit.

We’ve only been looking for a couple of weeks, and already I’ve realized how overwhelming this process can be, how consuming it can be with the thought of finding the “perfect” home.

When we first started looking at homes, I got pretty excited, thinking that this could become our future home. With barely even an offer on the table, I caught myself daydreaming about all the accessorizing and decorating and crafting that might be. I caught myself starting to worry about the disheveled décor that I’d seen and wondering how in the world I could fix them up. I started researching ideas and possibilities, scouting out modern rugs for the living room, pretty knobs for the kitchen cabinets, paint swatches for the bathroom walls.

And I caught myself as I was swept up in the moment of “maybe” and letting it overwhelm me, when we didn’t even know if this house would become ours. (Not surprisingly, it didn’t.)

As we search for a possible home, I want to be careful to make sure not to waste my energies fretting over surface details like these when they’re not even yet a reality. I have to remind myself that a house is more than how it looks and how it could look if only a little bit of this and that.

As they say, “Home is where the heart is.”

Whether we find that in a house with our name on it or another rented apartment where squirrels invade, I want to find contentment there—not in what might be.

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Staying Productive Without a Job

I'm still new to this unemployed stint of mine, just a couple of weeks fresh off of daily phone calls and wrapping up loose ends.

It's not all that easy, you know, to spend a whole day by yourself and feel useful. It's a job of its own, to keep up with every little thing there is to do and actually do it, now while I can. The weekend that my job ended, I pulled out a big colorful weekly agenda and began scrawling out a massive running to-do list, whether big or small. Moreso than before, I feel like this is essential to enjoying this respite in which I've found myself, because without some feeling of fulfillment or satisfaction, what can be relaxing can easily become racking. This has become something of a security blanket when the feelings of boredom start to well up. I turn to my list, divided into categories, another page for daily tasks, and I get to work checking them off.

I've found it to be incredibly useful, else I'm afraid I might find myself in the middle of my living room, looking around with eyes wide, lost, and unsure of what to do with myself. Of course there are always things to do; that's one of the things I've learned about life. You can make a great meal tonight, but tomorrow another will need to be made. You can get ahead on this week's laundry, but next week a new load will surface. There's always something.

And so I endeavor to strike a balance between these productive "to do's" of keeping up with an apartment forever gathering dust and mounds of day-old clothes as well as trying to take advantage of the extra time I have to spend time at length with the Lord.

I recognize that there are few opportunities like this in life, when I have little responsibility tugging at my sleeve for 40 hours a week. It's the first time in six years I haven't held down a full-time job. And when most women find themselves staying at home full time, it usually comes with the around-the-clock job of motherhood. But here I am, a stay-at-home wife.

I don't want to look back on this season—whether it lasts a month or a year—and wish I'd taken advantage of this jewel frozen in time when I have all the time to spare to be Mary and sit at Christ's feet and soak up his teaching and ready myself for this next season of life that awaits.

And do you know, sometimes it's hard to let myself just sit. I've been in such the go-go-go, do-do-do mindset for years, that sit-stay-pray is difficult. Yet, I recognize how much I need it. For today but also for all the days to come. This is a time for me to root myself in the Lord. A pocket of time when I have the opportunity to readily drink from those waters without deadlines or diapers cutting me short. A pocket of time I must make sure to protect and savor and put to use—that unique usefulness that matters most.

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An Update on the Job Search

A few weeks ago, I shared that I got news that my freelance job will soon be coming to an end. I posted that once the job had officially been posted online and they were accepting applications to replace my position, since they wanted someone to work in-house and I currently live 800 miles away.

Since then, I've been diligently scouting out and applying to various professional jobs that require a writer or editor. Most of these jobs have been for corporate positions, including for Habitat for Humanity, Salvation Army and Home Depot, which all have corporate headquarters in Atlanta. There have also been some small boutique agencies and educational institutions with promising openings.

So far, I haven't heard back from any of them, just yet.

At other times in my life, I've sent dozens upon dozens of resumes and applications to any and all positions that just might be a possibility. I figured, "Why not?" and shot off as many applications as I could manage. Can you guess what happened next? Nothing.

It was the times when I sat down, took the time and invested in crafting up a personalized cover letter (rather than simply cutting and pasting from old versions), that I was most apt to get an interview and, oftentimes, a job offer. (Of all the in-person interviews I've had in my entire life, I've only not gotten the job once. So the problem clearly is getting in the door in the first place.)

As I've considered jobs to apply for, I've made sure to only apply for ones that I think I am well qualified for and that I think there's a decent chance I'd enjoy. (I'm well aware that a job is a job, so I don't have any expectations that I'm going to be paid to have the best time of my life or feel completely fulfilled. But there are definitely some jobs that are better than other and that I can just tell aren't a good fit for my personality.)

The update, essentially, is that the job application process continues on and we wait to hear what comes next. I still don't have any news about how filling my old job position is going. All I know for now is that, today, I have a job, and my husband has his part-time job at Starbucks. (Which he is loving by the way!)

What happens next, we don't know. But for now, that's OK, because we're fine. Of course it would be nice to know all the answers and know for certain and when everything is going to work out. But I know that "each day has enough troubles of its own," and "tomorrow will worry about itself."

For now, we wait and trust and "look forward to the future with joy"...

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We just paid off the last of our student loans and are officially debt-free!

 

We just pressed "Submit," and sent off the last payment for our student loans, making ourselves officially, completely, 100% debt-free.

That's a good feeling, let me tell you.

It's a good feeling because, while I know student loans are considered "good debt," they're still debt nonetheless. And when you are working a job that can end pretty much at any point and your husband is still trying to battle the job market himself for a full-time job, this is time for celebration.

It's also a celebration, because it's another milestone we've achieved during our short marriage already. I'm grateful for the lessons we're learning during this time in our marriage, when we have to adhere to a strict budget and get excited when we find free events or figure out how to make our pantry last a few more days until the new month starts. I'm grateful that we're learning to make decisions and sacrifices together and learning the value of saving and planning. I'm grateful that we're learning these lessons early, now while we're young and supple and resilient, we can bounce back from them with greater ease.

I know that as we grow older, we'll have more sacrifices to make. And at least now, we're not getting too comfortable in the DINK (double-income, no-kids) lifestyle that can make cutting down to one income or making room for children harder to stomach once you're used to the extra pocket change and indulgences. I'm very aware of how hard it can be to "go back" once those habits are ingrained.

While sometimes it would be nice to have a little bit more for this or for that, right now we are basking in the strides we have made and making it a point to give thanks our current state—however welcome or unwelcome it might be—and celebrating as we go along.

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Cupcake Reminders that Life is Sweet, Even When It Doesn't Feel Like It

A couple weeks ago, Michael was running some errands, dropping off a job application, meeting up with folks for lunch, etc. He returned, looking dapper not only because he was donning a shirt and tie, but also because he had a surprise for me. Oh, how I love surprises!

I think Michael learned early on that it takes little to make me squeal with delight. When we first moved into our apartment, we had to run up to the home improvement store for some nails and screws. He ran in, while I waited in the car. And what did he come back with, but a candy bar. Give me a 50-cent candy bar, and I will feel like you just gave me the world.

So when he came home, he had a fancy bag behind his back. After I closed my eyes and held out my hands, I discovered that inside the bag were half a dozen cupcakes of all different flavors. There was cookies and creme, red velvet, carrot cake and, my favorite, mint chocolate.

It could not have been better timing because it was later that day that we received the news I've been dreading for months—almost a year—now: That my freelancing gig will soon come to an end.

Now mind you, I am well aware of how blessed we are. This was only supposed to last a couple of months, originally December at the latest. But it has now lasted more than a year. A year of getting to wake up whenever I like, work from my couch in my PJ's, take a manuscript and read down at the park, and mull writing ideas while I'm running errands.

And so now that the sands of time have revealed themselves, that time is running out, I struggle to not be disappointed. Because this past year has been so good for me and so good for my marriage, to get to set my schedule around Michael and his classes or his studying. It's allowed me to run errands during the day, when grocery-store aisles are empty and the post-office lines are short.

We're not positive when the end will be. It's really not about time, though, but instead about God and his provision and trusting him. He can work miracles and provide a job in a less than a day. So even though I am admittedly disappointed, I remember him and his promises and dare myself to see this as an opportunity to watch him work.

After I read the email that shared the news, I turned to Michael and told him, "Well, now I'm really glad you got those cupcakes!"

So, for the next few days, we ate like kings and queens. Eating up our little cupcakes, bite by bite, we were reminded that even when things look scary and uncertain and foreboding, life is still sweet and full of surprises to come.

Note: I originally heard the tentative news about 6 weeks ago, but didn't want to post anything until things started looking more official (which I hope you can understand!). I'm still holding out hope that it will take awhile for them to find my replacement, to give us ample time to find a full-time income replacement for either/both of us. From here on out I'll do my best to share any other updates in a more timely fashion! Thanks for your support! 


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Thoughts on Change and Wondering What the Future Might Hold...

As summer wanes, and autumn inches closer, I've been thinking about the changing seasons and the future that will soon arrive with the chilled winds and knit scarves in the back of my closet that I look at longingly.

Sometimes when I try to think of "the future" it seems hard to think of things being any different than they are today. It is hard to see past this current limbo, while we try to figure out what's next for us and our careers and our finances and our futures.

The sensible part of me knows that change is inevitable and will at some point come to pass. That's exactly what time does, after all: usher in change of some sort, whether it's growing limbs, graying hairs or graduating into the next phase of life. Things will of course fall into place, because they always do, even if it's not the way we'd like it.

And lately, I've been feeling like that change is on its way. I have no idea what it will look like, the form it will take and the ripple effect it will induce upon our current "normalcy." But I can sense that this change that we've been awaiting is finally coming towards us and advancing.

And then I sit back and wonder, What will it be like when change does say hello?

I realize that it's likely I'll mourn the loss and the days of having Michael around to keep me company or chat to across the room while I'm doing some freelance work. I know that when change comes it will not be all wine and roses, like it appears from this angle. With the security comes other sacrifices, because there are always sacrifices.

And as I meditate on this more, I remember that one of the things that characterizes changing seasons the most is that we usually miss out on the changing altogether, until the old has completely dissolved and passed away. We open our eyes to realize that fall has become winter and our lashes are laced with snowflakes, or that spring has sprung into summer, just as we're cannon-balling into the swimming pool.

I realize that even though I might not see it happening around me, change must be taking place, because that's how life, that's how God, works. Even though I may not see it from this vantage point, I know that God cares intimately about us and hears our prayers, as he divinely ties it all together into one beautiful tapestry that we won't even notice until we look back behind us.

It's then, when I'm praying and am quiet long enough, that I  can begin to sense the feeling of change. That it's happening, even now, being woven together, bit by bit.

And so as I intermittently long for change and fear what it may bring, I submit to the fact that it is inevitable. And I try to remind myself to relish this now and this season of life—however long it sticks around.


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Garden Daydreams

Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming.

I look our window at the towering trees, lush with leaves and squirrels and my favorite cardinal darting to and fro between their limbs. I wish I could walk up to them and sit by their trunks, with a book in hand like Rory always managed in Gilmore Girls.

But these trees are deceiving. Though they stand tall and stately outside our windows, they are planted ever so out-of-place in the parking lot outside our building. There's no lounging to be had and no stretches of grass and moss like you'd be led to believe.

No, we live in the city. In an apartment. With windows that don't even open. There's no hope of bringing vegetation into this place, although, trust me, we've tried. I tried my luck at various houseplants, all of which clung for dear life for a few days, weeks, but eventually surrendered to limp leaves and shriveled stalks.

So, when I glimpse the vibrant vista out our window, I imagine our someday-yard. When I go to the fridge to pull out some spinach for a salad or slice a tomato for a sandwich, I find myself wistful for our someday-garden. I paint myself into the reverie with a green thumb and a big floppy sunhat, while I tend to the garden rows that sprout and flourish with abandon...

It's a rainbow of colors, filled with the greens of lettuce, spinach, broccoli, string beans and bunches of kitchen herbs. Reds push through with bell peppers and tomatoes. Beneath the ground, potatoes and carrots grow without much fanfare, while I walk through, admiring all the handiwork.

I try to keep these daydreams from going too wild. (No, there won't be a citrus tree. No, an apple tree takes too long. No, I've heard watermelons are pretty fickle.) I try to be careful, knowing all too well that a garden is more than just dropping seeds in the ground and singing in the rain. I know that it is difficult and often results in more sunburn and backaches than plentiful harvests.

But sometimes I can't help it. From this side of the window, the grass sure does look greener...

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Embracing Seasons of Anonymity in Our Lives

These are the days that no one sees… goes part of a Paul Westerberg song. …they run together for company.

I think it’s safe to say that for most of us, we struggle with feeling like we’re not achieving what we should, we’re not making a difference, we’re not living up to our potential, and we can easily get discouraged by it all.

A couple years ago I read a book called Anonymous, which talks about this sense of “anonymity” we often feel. The author, Alicia Britt Chole, looks at it a different way, though, seeing these seasons of our lives as an opportunity from God to prepare us for our seasons of action, of affecting the world.

One of the analogies she uses is of trees and how the different seasons affect them: During the summer, their leaves are full and coat the limbs, but when winter comes, the leaves fall off and all that is left is the tree’s infrastructure. So it is with us: What the plenty of summer hides, the nakedness of winter reveals. When the winters of our life hit, we are stripped down to bear the strength of our infrastructure–our character.

But we must take time to grow and build up to be able to withstand those winters. It’s these seasons of anonymity, when we go unseen and seem unnoticeable, that protect us and prepare us so that we have time to create and forge that infrastructure. Then, when we undergo the winters of our life, our underlying strength will be strong enough to shine through and sustain us.

Chole writes in the book, “Anonymous seasons are sacred spaces, they are formative and to be rested in, not rushed through–and never regretted.” And, “We can easily mistake fruitlessness for failure. We naturally grant more weight to the visible than the invisible, so it’s easy for us to underestimate its vital importance. We must not think unseen = unimportant.”

This will be for the LORD’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed.
Isaiah 55:13

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Living through the Question Marks & A Prayer Request

It's been about nine months that Michael and I have been living in Atlanta. Great things can unfold in nine short months: a new life can be formed. Even in our relationship, it was after dating for only nine months that Michael and I got engaged. Now, another set of nine months marks our time here in Atlanta finding our place and establishing our roots as a newlywed couple.

When I think back to the decision-making that led us to move down here, I become aware of how sure I was that everything was going to work out. Not surprisingly, it didn't work out in the ways I'd anticipated: Never would I have believed that I wouldn't be able to find a job in 10 months. I thought, sure, it might take a month or two, but no longer than that. Yet, at the same time, never would I have thought that I wouldn't have to look for a job for that long, either. I guess it's been about a month since I found out that my freelance gig has been prolonged through the summer. I never could have predicted that the Lord would provide for me as richly, as extravagantly and impossibly as he has.

During this process I've vacillated between the comfort and awe of it all and the fear of the "what's next." Some seasons seem to be marked by a frantic feeling of looking this way and that, pulling ahead like a dog on a leash trying to reach the next marker quicker. Too often, I've let that keep me from enjoying this journey, enjoying the moments that come with it. In hindsight it's obvious that the franticness and the lurching was for nothing--God already had it all figured out for me, as he always does.

Michael just finished up his last finals and will be officially graduating on Saturday with his history degree. In his search for a history teaching job, nothing has turned up, so he's started looking into other alternatives--perhaps working at a local college, perhaps going on to grad school, perhaps trying to work for a nonprofit, perhaps trying to work for a music venue.

The question marks loom, and yet I'm learning to relax into this rhythm.

We were at a cook-out this weekend with some couples from our church. Each seemed to be at a similar place, unsure of where they'd be next, thinking about their next jobs, contemplating whether they'd be moving somewhere soon. And the thought that's been swirling and swelling lately is that God only knows where we'll all be in one year, in five years. God only knows. And that's a beautiful reassurance. I don't know, but I don't have to. I can trust that just as he's all brought us together for this moment, he might scatter us, but he'll still be guiding each one of us.

Feel free to be praying for us in this journey, and especially for Michael as he continues his job search. I really want him to be able to find a job that is meaningful and that he feels passionately about. Even in spite of the current economy, I know that any door that Christ opens, no one can shut, so I know this is possible. We just have no idea what this might look like! I am praying that in spite of our ignorance, God will lead us there. (What mercy!)

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Decision-Making: Out of Fear or Faith?

photo by chany14

Want to know something funny about how God works?

Remember when I got the job offer that I ended up turning down? Only days before my second interview with them when they offered me the job, I received an email from the company I'm currently freelancing for, extending my contract by at least two months. That probably doesn't sound like a lot of time to anyone else, but for me, living on the knowledge of only one month at a time, that's luxury. My entire definition of stability has been overhauled and having more than 30 days, well that's more stability than I've known in quite awhile!

Having that knowledge made it easier for me to turn the job down, knowing that it wasn't (at least for the time being), this crummy, queasiness-inducing offer or nothing. It made it easier for me to step out in faith and say "no" even when logic might compel someone to decide otherwise.

I’ve learned a thing or two over the past year and a half when it comes to big decisions like this one…

I remember, two summers ago, trying to decide whether to take a job in a new state where I knew no one. I remember being scared to take it, what if it didn't work out? But I also had been witness to God going before me and opening this door, and I knew that I couldn't turn back now, just because of fear. I stepped out in faith and took the job and moved to Michigan.

I remember this past summer, when Michael and I were getting married and trying to decide whether to move to Atlanta or stay in Michigan. This time it was different though, because it wasn't clear either way; there were pros and cons to each. I felt like God, rather than closing one door and opening the other, was, this time, opening both as viable options and saying, "This time, you get to choose." And as I thought more about this decision, I started to hone in on this idea of fear. The idea of moving to Atlanta, leaving all "security" behind, was the scary decision, calling for a bigger leap of faith. And I realized I didn't want to make a decision based on fear. And so we ended up packing up and moving to Atlanta.

Those two life-changing decisions, made less than a year apart, have had an incredible impact on me and came into play with this job offer decision. I recognized that I would only take the job based on fear, fear of not knowing where my next paycheck might come from when this freelancing gig dries up. "There is nothing to fear but fear itself." I think there's a lot of truth to that statement, and I'm trying to learn to not let fear steer me in my decision making but instead walk by faith. And, as He's shown me in these previous examples and time and time again throughout my life, God has not let me down yet when I do.

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My daydream of late...

photo by alesa dam 

Lately I've had this little daydream creep in. In it, Michael and I have a little house with a wrap-around porch in the country. Out here, we aren't saddled with busy routines, the worries about finances or careers that fill us with stress and drag us away from what's important. I get to have a little garden in the yard and we sit outside and watch the sunset or the rainstorm or just the shadows dance along the ground.

We get to slow down and relish this little life of ours, unhindered by the hustle and bustle that currently keeps us company.

I think part of it--sloughing off consumerism and materialism for a bygone simplicity--has been inspired by a book I'm currently reading: Chasing Francis by Ian M. Cron. I'm about halfway through it (and I'll share a full review of it in a week or two), but it's a beautifully written fictional story about a man who goes to Italy to learn about Saint Francis of Assisi. It's here, in an age-old friary, that he picnics with monks, journals in a cave, and explores Francis' thoughts on faith and life and begins to rediscover his faith in Christ and God.

Wouldn't that be wonderful? The simplicity (and perhaps, innocence) of it all is so enticing to me right now.

Of course then you step back into reality and remember that there are bills to be paid and rent or taxes hovering overhead that keep us here and there and tied to our 9-to-5 schedules. There's nothing wrong with that, but sometimes it feels limiting. Sometimes I'd like to shake it off for a little upgrade, a little bit of this.

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Learning to Cook: An Art I Neglected for 26 Years

I'm not normally a procrastinator. More likely, I'm apt to have an assignment done with plenty of time to spare and my to-do list cleared off. But there's one area I've discovered--only now--where these over-achiever tendencies did not translate, and I wish they had.

You see, for 26 years I never really learned how to cook.

I can decorate a house, whip up some crafts, even bargain-shop to my heart's delight. But this other facet of the art of homemaking never seemed all that important to me...until now.

Growing up, I had an Easy Bake Oven and even a little candy-making kit. But even then, the  process was all about the end result rather than enjoying the process. That mindset--that cooking is little more than a means to an end--has haunted me ever since. In college, I subsisted on granola bars, cheese crackers, easy mac and tacos. As I moved from apartment to apartment in the years following, I'd add a couple new items to my menu-repertoire (like veggie burgers and baked potatoes), but little "real cooking."

To me, cooking took too long and too many ingredients. All the recipes for things I wanted to try were so complicated. Grocery shopping was the bane of my existence, exasperating me as I meandered the aisles trying to find the simplest things on my list. From my perspective, it wasn't worth the effort it took. And let's be completely honest here: I was intimidated by it. I'd never learned how to cook, so I never attemped to learn. It was a self-perpetuating cycle.

That is, until I got married and now had someone else to think of. Even though Michael has is easy to please and would be content with a revolving schedule of pizza-spaghetti-chicken, as a new wife, cooking now took on new meaning. Suddenly, now it mattered to me. But I was (and, often, still am) lost about where to start, seeing as I never did. It has felt a bit like a mad scramble to make up for lost time and overcome my lack of a home-ec education.

The last six months have been an attempt to brush up in this area. Especially in anticipation that someday it will not just be me and Michael, but a whole family. That's quite a responsibility, and as I've come to realize, learning to cook--and learning to enjoy to cook--takes time. So I'll start learning now, so that someday I really do enjoy it.

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Lessons I'm Learning: Embracing the unknown

photo by nicole st. john

It feels like right now Michael and I are settling into a season of unknowing: While I'm working on a month-to-month freelance gig and looking for a full-time job, Michael is finishing up his last year of school and preparing to be a teacher. But as we all know, the teaching profession isn't all that ripe if you aren't a math/science/special ed teacher, so even there this is a big question mark looming overhead about what will happen.

And yet, while neither of us know what the future will bring and everything seems continually up in the air, I'm beginning to see the Lord at work, teaching us to release our worries, teaching us to let go of our need to have everything guaranteed for months to come, teaching us to be satisfied with a limited amount of foresight for our daily bread, teaching us to trust and increasing that trust day by day, month by month.

You, see, in spite of "not knowing" for the past 5 months, every month has been provided for us, whether it's income, groceries, a broken computer or anything else. Over and over again, he's showing us to continue on in faith and allow him to provide for us continually.

And for that, I'm learning to thank the Lord for this. I know I should praise God for the good and the bad, because you never know what He has in store to redeem the bad or the unfortunate. But it's only now where I'm able to start seeing and recognizing the fruits this experience has allowed us: growing our relationship with God, but also teaching us about being wise with our finances and learning to lean on one another.

It's beautiful when these sorts of truth begin to reveal themselves, when the foggy veil starts to pull away and the clarity of hindsight gives way. I've been listening to the free music web stream, live from the International House of Prayer and they're playing a song as I write that goes, "He's giving me counsel, even in the night. He's giving me counsel; I will bless the LORD." What a great encouragement to know that!

(I would definitely encourage you to log on and listen to the IHOP webstream. I just let it play in the background while I'm working, emailing, whatever. I've had the privilege of getting to visit there twice now, and love what they're doing there and the example they're setting with their commitment to around-the-clock prayer and worship.)

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A lesson from the Garden of Eden: How God prepares for us

photo by stitch

In celebration of the new year, I went back to Genesis 1 to read: “In the beginning, God created…” I read through this chapter, noting the order he created things in and wondering about the significance, like how the birds and fish came before land animals.

Anyway, then God creates man and woman and gives them the command to live on this earth. “God said, ‘Look, I have given you all the plants that have grain for seeds and all the trees whose fruits have seeds in them. They will be food for you.” (Gen. 1:29)

As I read that, I noted the significance of the fact that, even before he created this man and this woman, God had already prepared their environment for them. They didn’t have to ask for food or even know a world without provision--it was ready for them as soon as they stepped onto the scene.

And I realized how that’s still God’s nature:  To go ahead of us, prepare the way for us, even before we ask or know what’s happening, he’s at work. What an encouraging reminder for me during this time, when my environment (at least job-wise) is rather bleak and hazy. I can trust that despite what my eyes may see, God is at work, prepping the landscape of my future that will get me through.

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Welcome to 2010: Looking forward to the year ahead

Happy New Year!

As it is every year, the fact that another 365 days have passed still catches me off guard and murmuring along with everyone else, "Where did the year go?"

Fortunately, I know where much of it went: getting engaged, planning a wedding, getting married, moving across the country, setting up our first apartment. Still, it's mind-boggling to look back and realize, "This time last year I was only... we were only...!" A lot sure has happened.

This year, in lieu of store-bought gifts to each other, Michael and I decided that our Christmas present would be a nice date night, complete with a stay in one of Atlanta's finer hotels and well deserved massages for both of us!

Over dinner, Michael pulled out a little notebook in which we would reflect over our marriage so far (almost six months) and set some goals for the year ahead. We talked about how to grow our spiritual connection with each other and getting involved at our church.  We talked about our financial plans for saving for the future and continuing to make time (and room in our budget) for dates.

They were pretty simple and amounted to only a short list. But it was a great opportunity to intentionally sit down and discuss these kinds of things, and also to rejoice over the fact that we both have been very pleased with the state of our marriage thus far. The past few months have been full of opportunities that have taught us patience and forgiveness, humility and grace toward one another. And, by the grace of God, we've tucked our tails between our legs and buried our egos and embraced those lessons, watching our relationship grow all the better for it.

I just started reading the book "This Is Your Brain In Love" by Dr. Earl Henslin, who is a Christian therapist and writes about the role your brain has in having a healthy, passionate marriage.  This statement really stood out to me: "...it is rare for people in their twenties to experience the kind of passion that a couple in their later years is capable of enjoying."

I love Michael, and I look forward to watching our love continue to grow, deeper and wider as the years progress. Here's to the first New Year of many to come...

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Celebrating the holidays with friends and family

a print of Cincinnati available from visualingual

After driving 1,000 miles roundtrip up and down eastern U.S. and spending seven days frolicking in the Buckeye State with family and friends, Michael and I are back at home in Atlanta. (And I'm back behind my computer screen!)

Though I hate the drive it takes to get there, I love being in my old Cincinnati stomping grounds. There’s something about being able to get anywhere in 20 minutes, about knowing what places people are talking about and how to get there by memory.

But even more than that, it feels like home because so many people I love live there. When we were in town, we spent some time with my family and my parents helped me reupholster the cushions for our kitchen table chairs. We played with Michael’s little brothers. We grabbed coffee with old friends and spent time around countless kitchen tables catching up with relatives.

And I’m beginning to miss that—the little things like a helping hand and an “I've missed you!” hug—more and more, on each trip.

For now, Atlanta is our home as Michael finishes up his degree. And I’m enjoying it—having a little place to call our own as we forge our newlywed years together, just the two of us. Then there’s the warm weather, which has been such a reprieve after my year steeped in snowy Michigan. But, with an eye toward the future and the long-term, I know that a few extra degrees can’t hold a candle to being near to your loved ones.

We still have no idea what the future holds as far as jobs and opportunities and timelines. But still, I suspect that when it comes time to settling down and starting a family, there’s a good likelihood that we’ll return to this little town, on the edge of the Ohio River where pigs fly and bengal tigers play.

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I Didn't Get the Job: A Story with a Silver Lining

photo by bluecinderellee

Do you remember that a month and a half ago, right when I started this blog, I asked for prayer regarding a job interview and then shared how well the interview and all the circumstances surrounding it went? Well, a week later, I received a call back from them asking me to come in for a second interview. Everyone interviewing me was talking to me, treating me as though I already had the job. And that's how I was feeling.

Until it had been two weeks, three weeks and I hadn't heard a peep. Even after giving them a phone call follow-up and hearing nothing. That's when I began to realize...I don't think I got this job.

Up until now, any job I've ever had an in-person job interview for, I've been offered the position. I had thanked God that he'd never opened any door that he didn't deliver on, job-wise. I thought, how kind he is to spare me from that kind of disappointment and rejection!

Well, no longer. I got a very kind and amicable phone call today from the woman in HR who let me know that they've decided to move forward with another candidate. Now I had fully been expecting this, seeing as I hadn't heard anything in almost a month. Still, it's humbling to hear the words, when I'd been thinking, 'Maybe, just maybe..."

Previous to hearing this, I'd already committed to trust God with whatever he was doing in this situation. I had stopped praying for this specific job and stepped back to ask that he simply provide an income for us and that it be something I enjoy. I'd decided that whether this job came through or did not, that I would give praise to God, trusting that just as he is the One who is, was and is to come, that he has done great things for me, is doing great things for me and will do great things for me. Though I can't always see those great things happening right now, I will not fret but will wait patiently and expectantly for him to fulfill these promises of his.

Disappointing though it is, there are a couple silver linings: First of all, I asked the woman from HR for any feedback regarding my interview and she shared that the biggest decision-maker was that the other candidate had 12 years of experience versus my five. She said that I was a strong second candidate, and that they'd enjoy entertaining me in the future for other opportunities. That was encouraging to my slightly bruised ego. Secondly, with the suspicion that the job offer was going nowhere fast, I followed up with my current boss to see about extending my freelance contract through the new year. (Currently, it was slated to expire December 31.) She emailed me back almost immediately to let me know she'd been talking to upper managment about that very thing and would like to have me continue through January and likely February.

So, it's another month without having to wonder about income or dipping into savings. It is not exactly the stability I yearn for, but I think that's what God has been teaching me lately: To learn to trust him for my daily bread. To give him the chance to provide for me, month after month after quitting my job. With the peace that comes from him alone, I am thankful and encouraged, about all that was, that is and that is to come.

"...What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open."
Revelation 3:7

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Daydreaming about our someday, future home

photo by linda yvonne

Lately, I've found myself daydreaming. Daydreaming about a home for me and Michael where we can put down our roots and call our own. I'm not sure where this came from, because I've always been content to rent and not have to worry about financing repairs or upgrades or handling a mortgage. And I'm still content to do so, but somewhere over the past few weeks, it's as if a switch went off inside of me that made me begin thinking about our future home.

Even when we were dating, Michael and I would go for walks through little neighborhoods and point out which houses we liked. Fortunately, we both gravitated toward the same kinds of homes: Small cottage-like homes with character and charm. (Yes, this was something I filed away in my mind while we were dating: "Reason #429 why I want to marry this man! We like the same kind of houses!")

I've always leaned toward having a smaller home, mostly because I've always hoped to stay at home once I have kids and I know that a larger-home mortgage is apt to be a burden on a single income. In speaking with some friends, they've shared the blessing that a small living arrangement provides: Less to furnish (which allows you to pick the pieces you really like and have an excuse to spend a bit more). Less to clean. Less to hoard. They attest that it's a practice in simplicity and minimalism, which I can definitely appreciate.

But I also like the idea of cozy home, where someone is just down the hall or in the next room--almost where you're forced to live amongst one another, even when you don't feel like it. (And, I expect that during the teens years, that will be the reality!) In a book of stories about the Amish and their daily life, the author shares that the way the Amish structure their homes is very intentional: Bedrooms are constructed quite small and the only room in the house that is heated is their family room. (I believe they call it a "great room.") They do this because they want everyone in the family to spend their free time together, to congregate in one area of the home and interact rather than retreat off into separate bedrooms.

Now, we're not ready to start shopping or putting down bids anytime soon; we want Michael to have a stable full-time job first, so that we can know neighborhoods to look at and what kind of budget we have. Recently, I came across a blog of a couple who is saving up to put 100% down on their first home purchase. I'm not sure how realistic 100% is for us and our timeline, but I think that the idea behind it is quite inspiring and something that I've added to my prayer list. (Also inspiring because I used one of those online calculators and found out that with the amount we currently have saved as a down-payment, we'd pay $69K in interest over the course of a mortgage!)

For now it's a percolating thought that's got me thinking. I'll be curious to see what our someday-home looks like and how closely it resembles the one I've been imagining!

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